and then the tides brought in a sail

i'm not sure what to do any more. things are different from what they used to be. it used to be that i would wake up and feel refreshed and ever so eager to live out the brand new day. it used to be like that. it used to be fun, living. now, whenever i get a moment of silence i just feel like tears. i don't like waking too much any more. neither do i look forward to going to bed. all i feel like doing is sleeping so i can stay in my dreams. i'm hoping that the coming warmth of spring will breathe life back. warmth will do that to you. trying to pinpoint the source of friction is not as easy as it would seem. maybe i'm just too lazy to even try. or maybe i'm in denial of something i'm too ashamed to admit.

a few days ago on regular, old-fashion network television the movie Cast Away was shown. i didn't see it, i just listend to it from another room afar. every sound and piece of dialogue was still vivid in my memory. i've seen that movie about 5 times since i first watched it at a theatre. i enjoyed that movie, and i still enjoy it to this day.

a little bit of hope was revealed to me when a good friend and her cousin came to sleep at my house. they're from overseas and were touring the Unites States with a Christian choir group called, the Levite Choir. they are an amazing group with amazing talents and gifts. i saw a bit of Christ in them, more so than usual in a man or woman. i felt their humbleness and gentleness. their freely-given kindness and sincerety and meagerness. such good qualities i hardly see or notice anymore. maybe i can't anymore because i'm so caloused. or maybe i never could because i'm not sensitive enough. or maybe such qualities are just rare these days.

needless to say, it would be so very easy to take the path of less resistence. i'm really tired right now from all the tug of war. i'm caught between two very massive worlds. career paths, respectability indices, family responsibilities, all the anguish that comes with living. life was never meant to be this way. damn that adam, and damn that eve, for eating that fruit. damn it.