unifying theory of everything

Disclaimer : the following thesis by no means in any good shape or modern fashion condones nor denies the truth and its intricacies of a self-proclaimed and seemingly self-absorbed and helplessly arrogant series of mathematical inductions to provide proof of a questionable thread of thought in the ethereal plane of the milky way galaxy and beyond. in addition, this document thesis does not claim to be the sole work or property or proprietary wisdom of that of Edward S. An.
-by edward

assign a 1-based consecutively increasing number for each letter of the alphabet, like so:

A = 1
B = 2
C = 3
D = 4
E = 5
F = 6
G = 7
H = 8
I = 9
J = 10
K = 11
L = 12
M = 13
N = 14
O = 15
P = 16
Q = 17
R = 18
S = 19
T = 20
U = 21
V = 22
W = 23
X = 24
Y = 25
Z = 26

then by the 2nd law of thermodynamics it follows that

(A + B + C) = (1 + 2 + 3)
and thusly, F = 6

following this strange phenomenon we can prove once and for all that hardwork does not always yield a greater result than something of a lesser moral value. for instance, consider the following:

(H + A + R + D + W + O + R + K) = 8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98
(S + T + U + D + Y) = 19+21+4+25 = 69
(B+U+L+L+S+H+I+T) = 103

but according to Einstein's law of E=MC^2 such phenomenon's are not likely to exist, although they are not entirely impossible to exist. if it were possible from a probabilistic point of view then the letters will merge together by moduluses of the prime numbers 3 or 7 or an imaginary number that is customarily denoted by the character §. this increasing complexity of the saturated universe can be elegantly explained however by the direct approach of quantum mechanics and the unorthodoxical administration and filibustering of the numbers for a few hours.

using this modern tool-set of quantum matrices in an outdated world as a means of resolving this strange and peculiar numbering phenomenon, we can make extractions to and fro the underlying realm of mathematics and the entire universe itself. the following is a sample of a unified formulaic approach to confirm just one of surely billion quillion frillions of held beliefs:

(E+D+D+I+E) = 27
based on the draconian laws of the hybrid rubberband effect, we can reverse the digits 2 and 7 so that it becomes 7 and 2 (note that this may cause some adverse side effects).
now we have a nice wholesome value of 72.
using a combination of elementary nuclear physics and classical newtonians physics, we can conclude that 9 * 8 = 72.
observe that 9 * 8 can also be described as I * H.
once again we can apply the draconian laws of the hybrid rubberband effect to give us H * I, or simply HI, which when converted to english notation is quite elegantly "hi".
now, using fuzzy math, adjust this fritional coefficient to be approx 0.1 which will give us a value of 75 (or just add 3 to 72).
finally add 1 to the result if it's leap year.
the result should be either 75 or 76.

if result is 75:
it naturally follows that (7+5+14+9+21+19) = 75
then, it becomes painfully obvious that 75 = (G+E+N+I+U+S)
the result in modern english is the string of characters, "genius"

if result is 76:
it naturally follows that (7+5+14+9+21+19) + 1 = 75 + 1
then, it becomes painfully obvious that 75 = (G+E+N+I+U+S) + A, or A + (G+E+N+I+U+S)
the result in modern english is the string of characters, "a genius"
note that there is a character-space between 'a' and 'g'. this is automatically inserted due to the natural governing law of gravity, or the illusion thereof. this quintessentially proves that this character-space is simply an illusion and is not really there.

unfortunately the sum of the letters in the string of characters "eddie" has expired. eddie is now 28 years old. 27 years he was last year. so the above proof no longer holds true.
however, this formula did confirm exactly one year ago that Eddie's long held belief ever since he was in diapers held to be true last year when he was 27.

the expired conclusion: Eddie was a genius at 27.

this is a significant finding since there are only 26 letters of the known alphabet. the numerical value 27, with respect to the 26-letter alphabet dynamic, has not exceeded its range as one might initially presume. instead, 27 is equivalent to 1 (a.k.a. A). this can only be explained by the elegance of quantum distribution which allows the wrapping (looping) of letter-value pairs.
thus, the actual conclusion is that Eddie was a genius at 1 AND at 27. so it can be predicted that the next cycle of Eddie's geniusness will begin when Eddie is (27 + 26) = 53.