sponge

they say everything you need to know you learned in kindergarten. back in my days of kindergarten i learned that pointing at somebody leaves you pointing back at yourself with 3 fingers. remember that old saying?

i dont know if i learn slow (which is certainly true with mathematics) but i do know that i learn by example/experience best. so let me tell you, briefly, that "what comes around goes around". it's not entirely unlike kharma. even if your intentions are innocent (or simply have no preconceived intentions) it just might come back and bite you (or kiss you?).

now this action/reaction is not what is bothering me. it itself is not why im being stabbed over and over again. it is the fact that the guilty party must live with it for the rest of life. i can easily imagine how a murderer feels, sometime after the fact, when he/she inevitably goes through remorse. because i swear to God i feel like one right now. such feelings of grief, i can also imagine, is what facilitates the entertaining idea of "killing" the self.

but i suppose its the majority (or the few?) that never "crosses that line". yah probably. but im really an optimist at heart. i really am. i've dug quite a depressingly impressive hole. i started out with a shovel and somehow ended up with dynamite. all i am seeking now is to get out of this hole, to reach the surface and to take in fresh air. i don't even care what the weather is like. if the sun is out, full, strong, and warm, caught up in a blue sky - that would be a bonus i don't deserve. but if it's a dreary day, out there on the surface, beyond this hole, then that would be fine too.