48 hours left

less than 3 days left and it's going to be 2006. incredible.
i've never really been a big huge fan of new years. for the past 2-3 years i went to bed at around 10 pm, on new years eve. anyway, it's amazing how the years just fly by. call me an odd-ball, but i find comfort in staying home with family. and i find even more comfort in being in bed at 10 pm while everybody else is out partying or watching people party on television. i find security in it somehow, being cozy under the covers when the clock strikes midnight, and you hear fireworks and gunshots and screaming and cheering outside. it's going to be the same thing for 2005. did i just say all that?? man i'm getting old!

on a side note i really need a hair-cut. but i really feel too lazy to get one. so i think im just going to let it grow a little more. also, i really really wish i had a cute, soft, cuddly little puppy right now.

a new discovery made

you know that feeling of discovering something, like a revealing explanation to a mystery, or an answer to a riddle, or something new about a person you know?

well, i just discovered something like that. it is something about myself. it's as if i've been hiding from myself, or hiding in denial. it's also pretty creepy, kinda like the movie Hide and Seek.

i learned that i tend to give the cold-shoulder. not exactly betray, or desert, or abandon. but more like ignore, channel out, and evade. i'm not going to cop out on this and say that i'm misunderstood, because this can be understood. i think as usual, i can trace the roots to this newly discovered trait of mine to selfishness, self-centeredness, and pride.

i've been feeling the effects of this lately. after knowing this truth about me, all of my pains now suddenly have an origin, and i can finally understand and finally accept the fact that i am fully deserving of the said pains.

jasmine soap

i went to a chinese market a couple of days ago. i got some ice cream (mochi) and a bar of jasmine soap for 50 cents. this morning i took a shower with this 50 cent soap. it smelled okay, kinda sorta like jasmine. but when i got to work i noticed that i smelled funny. i wreaked of B.O. it's like some kind of trick soap or something. next time you see a bar of soap claiming to leave you smelling like wonderful jasmine, just simply walk away.

i am tired

i'm tired. tired of looking at computers all day. tired of working in general. tired of stopping at traffic lights. tired of being the only one who uses turn signals. tired of buying petroleum. tired of waiting at the petrol pump watching the dollars go up.

i'm too tired of thinking about things; like oil changes, paying bills, and relationships. too tired am i, of living in dallas. too tired of not fitting well in any place. too tired of being misunderstood and being misread.

the straws i hold in my hand are few now. and the pages of this book are coming to an end. i long for stability. i long for comfort. i long for consistency. i want discernment. i want trust. i want honesty. i want transparency. but it looks like i won't be finding them any time soon.

i am tired.

jotting it down.

a good friend suggests that i write what is on my heart. you know, the stuff that sits heavy on your heart. you know what i mean, we all have 'em, every now and then.

within a timespan of less than 24 hours, i am reminded of something that i must learn to never doubt. in the midst of bad things i am finally able to feel some sense of peace. it is midnight now, way past my bedtime. i bet i'll sleep better tonight than i've had in a while.

this sense of peace comes directly from the knowledge that my God is a faithful God. And He cares for me more than anything.

sponge

they say everything you need to know you learned in kindergarten. back in my days of kindergarten i learned that pointing at somebody leaves you pointing back at yourself with 3 fingers. remember that old saying?

i dont know if i learn slow (which is certainly true with mathematics) but i do know that i learn by example/experience best. so let me tell you, briefly, that "what comes around goes around". it's not entirely unlike kharma. even if your intentions are innocent (or simply have no preconceived intentions) it just might come back and bite you (or kiss you?).

now this action/reaction is not what is bothering me. it itself is not why im being stabbed over and over again. it is the fact that the guilty party must live with it for the rest of life. i can easily imagine how a murderer feels, sometime after the fact, when he/she inevitably goes through remorse. because i swear to God i feel like one right now. such feelings of grief, i can also imagine, is what facilitates the entertaining idea of "killing" the self.

but i suppose its the majority (or the few?) that never "crosses that line". yah probably. but im really an optimist at heart. i really am. i've dug quite a depressingly impressive hole. i started out with a shovel and somehow ended up with dynamite. all i am seeking now is to get out of this hole, to reach the surface and to take in fresh air. i don't even care what the weather is like. if the sun is out, full, strong, and warm, caught up in a blue sky - that would be a bonus i don't deserve. but if it's a dreary day, out there on the surface, beyond this hole, then that would be fine too.

being real

call it a shortcoming. call it selfishness. call it pride or call it insecurity. call it whatever you wish.

but i've learned a big lesson. i learned it many many a days ago. but im just now starting to comprehend it. just now am i beginning to grasp it.

i used to fear what the world thinks of me. i used to be too scared to show the world my feelings, and of course my feelings for others.

since that moment of growth however i don't care what people think of me anymore. i mean i really don't. and neither am i afraid to reveal my attractions and display what i will call Love.

have you ever had reoccuring nightmares?
have you ever had a nightmare because of something you did to a friend?
ever had a nightmare due to a deep and sorrowful regret?
you ever had nightmares of never being forgiven?
have you had a nightmare about never having the chance to ask for forgiveness?
what about guilt? ever had a nightmare because of some hideous crime?
ever had a nightmare from which you've woken up feeling pain because you're tearing up inside?
and have you ever had a nightmare that bothers you even during the day when you're awake?

end of my lease.

January 31, 2006. that is the date when my apartment rental lease is up. i signed off this morning to confirm that i am not extending. this roach motel (apartment) can burn in hades. to be truthful though, this place wasn't bad. and there aren't nearly as many roaches as i make it out to be. we're doing a good job keeping it clean and bug free. but i will forever associate the kitchen with a war zone. the war i had a few months ago with the roaches is carved into the cerebral cortex of my brain. i am a war veteran and i deserve a medal, or something.

the killer raquet.

i used to be a pretty mean tennis player. not mean mean, but good mean. but im not talking about tennis raquets here. im talking the killing raquet - racquets designed to kill with a a discharge of electric shock!

so a friend gave me this killer racquet for Christmas. you push this button to charge the metal wire face of the racquet. then upon contact (or within vicinity) of an insect (like a moth or a spider etc) the discharge of electricity shocks the insect and kills it, without you ever coming too close to it. i love it. i killed 3 bugs so far.

my last bug was a mediocre roach on my door. i shocked it and damaged a leg and an antennae. but it was still alive. i shocked it about 5 more times until the shock penetrated the hard chiton carapace. apparantly insects with a hard exoskeleton takes more shocks. hmm, maybe if i power it with a car-battery. maybe then the shock will penetrate roaches in one shot. i swear, roaches are invincible, it seems like.

mini-photographic entry of interest.

okay first i apologize for previous posting. i dont know what kind of mind i had. it is over with now. no more confusing talk.

now, i just want to say that i have craving to go diving.
if you never scuba dived then just skip this section. you can not understand....ah yes. scuba diving. it is very big fun.









will, ben, and i went caving (spelunking) in texas. it was "adventure tour" attraction. but i think it was a walk in park. i dont brag. but it was. it was walk in the park. now what i am used to is pure adrenaline rushing action. like this cave entrance in central america.




and i need a vacation. a vacation that does not have any adrenaline, per se. but for someone like me there would be adrenaline pumping in my veins just because life itself is an adventure. but it is more adventure when you really think and believe it is true. even lying and reading in a hammock, on a peacful sand beach. even then, adrenline will break the blood gates. even then, me adrenaline pours like niagra falls.

genie, in a bottle.

no, i did not find a bottle with a genie in it, silly.
rather, i feel like a genie, a powerful genie, bounded for 10,000 years in an itty bitty living space.

i am certain that i have so much to offer, and am willing to bare torture.
i would die for what i believe in; i'd die for that person as well.

genies are like that. oh. i am so delirious right now. best i sleep.

i didnt mean to make it sound like i am a genie, because im not a genie. and if i somehow made it convinceable that i was thinking of myself as a genie, then of well. im sorry. but the "genie" is symbolic of something else.

and im only being so symbolically cryptic with a hint of espionage because of the flooding emotions of the following list of emotions: fear, anger, confusion in the slight.

good NIGHT!

learning to just let go.

i lived most of my growing years in an 1980's style home in an 80's style neighborhood doing 80's type of stuff and flair. you know, the good old days, those forever lost days of carefree play outside type of days. those days when you and your friends ventured outside on bicycles and yes, on feet. and those days when strangers too would play and spend incredible moments, outside, out in the sun.

so i raised animals. one pet(s) were a family of gerbils.

one day one of these gerbil babies was abandoned and rejected by its siblings, i noticed. and on closer look, it was quite plumpy and slow. something about it was obviously wrong, like as if it couldn't digest. as a kid i remember pinching it with my index and thumb fingers. i dont think i did it any favors by doing that. in fact, i was probably the cause of its death. anyhow, i buried it, in my backyard, underneath the best thing i knew of - the red rose bush (the size of a small tree).

but all i could think about was its soft fur. its eyes, its legs, its tail, and its disease, whatever it was. shortly after burying that gerbil baby, i dug it back up so i could see it once more and hug it once more. then i had enough, and it was time to really bury it, again, and for good. in its same burial ground under the red roses, along with cedar chippings from what it used to call home, i buried it there.

the gruesome death of my parakeet was no better. one morning i found that one of my two parakeets had its throat slashed. it was already dead and cold on the bottom. blood spilt and an open wound. its friend parakeet high up on the cage, too scared to even look down. i blamed it on a cat.

the passing of my best friend, Happy, was not any better either. his death was a slow and eventually a very painful one. one thing i remember most was when i was tying my shoes on the floor, with him lying down behind me and a good 6 feet away. i figured he was recovering from a mystery illness. but i should've known better. he was never known to be quiet. he was never known to be perfectly still. and yet there he was, 6 feet behind me, lying down, and not moving. as i finished tying my shoes i turn around and notice him only one foot away from me. he had crawled up to me, in complete silence. this too was not his style. i left to go to my stupid grade-school classes that day. as i left the front door, i looked back. happy hadn't moved from where i last touched him, from where i had tied my shoes. he died later that day from cardiac arrest. and I entered denial of his passing. and his canine body was requested to be dumped at the city dump yard. and there was no miracle. he never came back.

if you think i be a hardened veteran by now, you could not be any more wrong.

~ i am still learning to let go ~

americans at the fair!

The Texas State Fair is said to be the largest state fair of any state fair across the entire country of the great U.S. of A. around 2004ish, a few friends and I went to this state fair, just for kicks, i think. it was a blast of course, without a doubt. but this book i am currently reading now has caused me to stop and recall and then think about something for a long time...to the point of delaying my reading progress by at least a good hour.

as I walked by this plaza at the fair there was dancing and singing and music, all native american style! it was all cool. but i interpreted the whole "dance" as a form of pagan worship. needless to say, after several moments of watching with honest interest, I walked away, and with probably a small prideful swelling of my own heart, with my "nose slightly struded in the air", thinking that I was walking away from something evil, something that the devil can and has used against me before.

this is something i regret and am painfully shameful of. i dont think this is anything that God has intended. so this book im now reading, thus far, suggests that everything, almost, that I know about worshipping God and pleasing Him and even knowing Him in a tangible/physical manner, is all western european thinking. it is only one shade of color; only one type of lens, so to speak; and one flavor; and most importantly, not necessarily correct.

phoniness in kenya, africa.

[before you read, i would like to warn you that there is mildly foul language and an overall bitter and very negative attitude about a few things. it is all voluntarily done, but i couldn't help it. now you have been warned.]

i love this world Kenya. i really do. totally awesome to the n-th degree. we were the guests of a kenyan minister. his church was a pretty big multi-sited church. congregations mostly composed of people who live in the slumbs, african standard. and his church ministry stretched far and wide throughout kenya.

offering time at one of these church services is nothing short of amazing. people poor with nothing to give will still give in shillings, mere cents US. then we visited his house - a mansion - and i'm talking strictly US standards here. now what the hell's wrong with this damn picture?

a number of team members from this medical mission, that i was fortunate to be a part of, really went out of their way to display their disapproval of many things such as: food, lodging, hygiene, congestion. i mean, every day we see people starving for food, and it's as real as it can be. and when local kenyan hosts humbly and graciously serve us their all... we'd actually have the damn nerve to consume 3 bites of the food in front of us and undiscretely discard the rest simply because the food is not to our liking, or maybe because of the questionable hygiene. what the hell?

we walked through an open-sewaged city of over 1 million in population, the dirt streets congested with "walking skeletons"... and then we have the heart to be thrilled like little children to go safari at the country's most famous safari park. then when all the safari and sight-seeing is over we decide it's absolutely necessary, to the point of paying a premium, to book an early flight back to home-sweet-home. what kind of damn missionaries are we anyway?

the team meets a local pastor and his family in Nairobi, who is incidentally korean, oddly enough. the family welcomes us and serves us and feeds us. the team, in its entirety, left that house with our "noses in the air" while bathing ourselves with the feeling of superiority, simply because we learned that the gentleman is known for laying his hands on people, and allegedly healing them and exorcising demons. we did a pretty efficient job at unanimously labeling him. but i wonder who the hell gave us the authority to do that in the first place?

i realize that not any of this is edifying and very cynical. maybe im going through hormonal changes or something. or maybe its the abrupt weather changes, or something. i just needed to flesh out some points of why we're phonies and how we dont even know that. and i am not excluding myself of this.

the best lunch of my life

the brookhaven community college is a beautiful, small campus staffed with great faculty - far greater, in my opinion, than all the state colleges i've attended. one day, after this one class, a handful of lingering students went out to lunch with the professor. this whole going-out- to-lunch thing with fellow students, off campus, and WITH the professor was kinda alien at that time in my life especially considering it was summer school.

we all sat in at a circular booth. the restaurant was a local oldie favorite, Pete's Cafe. the prof, a devote catholic who then recently started going to mass every morning, is a half-graying bearded man in his 50's or so. everybody else: a catholic male (whom i vaguely remember), a jewish male (paranoid of his Arab classmates), a muslim male (with a very rich father), a buddhist female (who oddly and readily admitted to having STD's), an athiest female (mentally quite a sharp one, as usual), and myself (a "presbyterian" at the time, and a male). needless to say, that was the most intellectually stimulating as well as the most fascinating and invigorating lunch-time conversation i've ever had. and it wasn't like the atmosphere was full of hate or finger-pointing or anything remotely deconstructive and silly like that. on the contrary, it was sheer pleasure. and of course "God" and "religion" and "theology" and the like all came up....that was inevitable. and it went on like this, almost always this same crowd, every day till the last day of class.

that was the year i learned to love History, and not to mention a desire to teach (the prof has this seriously contagious persona about him).

i don't consider myself a presbyterian anymore. actually i don't know exactly what i am. and i don't really seem to care to find out what to label myself anymore. it was always a stupid waste of time anyway the labeling business. stupid. very stupid. ahh those were the good old days of college, when every one of my friends were everything else but christian. i do miss that.

message in a bottle

i wrote my full name and my contact information, in good detail. some wrote poems, some added their contact information, and some just signed their autograph. this paper, along with coarse white sand, a small plant twig, and a few coins, i placed into this clear used bottle of rum. this bottle i tossed into the middle of the ocean amongst millions and millions of waving crests and troughs. i hope somebody will find that bottle, and contact us. just for the sake of the adventure in doing it.

if you can see me writing my message on that cool tropical island just moments before departing again. a fellow adventurer, a professor probably in her 40's, took this picture without my knowledge with a very big camera. but im glad she did.

side note:
i am struggling with discerning between reality and fantasy, again. i've watched too many a movies where the story ends happy. but i know reality is not about happy endings. so how else can i see things other than through the lens of pity? yet i certainly know that life is not about pitying either. and so i find myself stuck between a rock and a hard place.

an apple makeover

i've been getting a lot of feedback lately ever since i placed an Apple sticker (came with the ipod shuffle) on the top face of my notebook computer. because the computer is all silver it actually does kinda look like an Apple notebook. so i decided to continue this mischief and gave my computer a complete makeover, practically anyway.

- bootup screen
- login screen
- desktop screen
- screen saver
- dash board widget
- OSX Tiger theme

bootup screen that says "Think different...think apple."

logon screen which is not exactly apple themed, but i think it looks really cool nevertheless.

OSX Tiger theme with dashboard and everything.

i've gotta be the biggest poser i know, hands down.

dos equis vs belikin

people say dos equis brand beer is one of the best tasting beers you can get. i tend to agree with that. it's a flavorful brew, it really is. but i think a brand that tops dos equis has gotta be belikin, the beer of belize. now don't ask why, but for some reason... hiking through a rain forest and getting all soakin' wet crossing rivers on foot, or paddling all day out on the ocean day and night fighting through turbulant wakes of salt water... for some reason having done all that and then having a hot meal with a belikin just hits the right spot in a way that's somehow different from all the rest. i think it's partially something to do with carribean food. i looove carribean food.

we're off to see the wizard...i mean mexico

funny title eh? well i certainly got a decent amount of chuckle out of it.
so things have changed. things always do. no longer hawaii as a vacation destination; it's cancun, mexico instead. i guess hawaii will just have to wait.

gotta think big

the mundane tasks of life such as eating, sleeping, waking, washing, and working will eventually confine our thinking into a smaller than natural arena. of course this can be prevented. but if allowed to take its natural (or unnatural) course, life as you know it might as well cease. so think big and live big.

ciao.

The Goblet of Fire

i saw my very first harry potter movie today, the goblet of fire. all i can really say is that it was too long, too confusing, and too addicting. i swear, if there were a hogwart school for prospective wizards i'd go. the way it treats and presents other worlds and dimensions and powers is just shear coolness.

maybe it was the whole fictional world presented on the movie screen that made it so attractive for me. because in that world harry has such awesome friends, and everybody dresses up really cool, and the scenery is breathtaking where ever you go.

man i wish my world was like that.

but many parts of the movie left me feeling fear. spells of transfiguration and even restoring an evil fetal-like humanoid to power, it's all witchcraft as far as i know. scary that my baby cousin and millions of others love this stuff. scary. which is why my feelings for this one are mixed.

Tuesday

How can you tell if an event or a series of events is caused by God or Devil?
How do you know if what you go through is a testing or a tempting?
And how does one learn that what is experienced is because of his own doing?
Am I being paranoid to think the Devil is after me on my every step and on every turn of a corner?
Should I be?

today i lost a court case. i know i didn't deserve the penalty, but i paid the price anyway, because that is what the law says. i have one more court appearance and i should be done for the year. i don't like getting tickets. such a pain in my fingertips, between the nail and the skin, right underneath, where it hurts.

i came home for lunch. i guess i should go make it and eat before i should go again. a couple of more months and i'm out of this rat hole....i mean cock roach hole.

there is no spoon

So i decided to go grocery shopping. and i decided to go totally unconventional. i ended up getting an unusual list of stuff, stuff to make lunch at work. this way i can save tons of money. it's true too.

For tonight's dinner i bought Campbell's New England Clam Chowder. i felt like giving it a try, just for the heck of it...you know, one of those "you only live once" sorta deals. so i go home and i can't find a spoon. so i thought to myself, "think eddie, think" and i ended up putting this ingenius apparatus together using homemade stuff.



Okay okay, so i basically reinvented the wheel. i mean spoon.
It's aluminum foil wrapped around a plastic fork! and it leaves a metalligc sensation in your mouth too! genius!

As for the clam chowder, i've definitely had better. i posted a photo of it just for kicks. if you look very carefully you can get a hint of its taste. because it tastes just like the way it looks - like vomit.

know thine enemy

lucifer. he's a sly clever one, ain't he? not to mention beautiful, the most beautiful of all angels, to be exact. his games are not to be played with. but it is his lies and illusions that fool you. i tell you he will catch you when you least expect and when your guard is away. he does this one single person at a time, for he is like a lion. he stays low and waits for the moment to prance. and when he does, he doesn't jusy bite you nor consume you; rather, he devours you. and he attacks, just like this, one person at a time, for he is not God, he can not be everywhere or more than one place at any given time. regardless, his attacks are devastating, especially to the church body.

and i know the devil is attacking. i can sense it. i can feel it. why else would i be so swelled up with stubborness to the point of almost hating somebody. whoaw now! swiftly, whip that horse without fear and yank on its yoke with all your might. stop yourself dead in your tracks and consider your weaknesses before God.

enough already. i need a bath and need to go to bed.

the new recruits

rumor has it that the company i work for is looking for a new location because we're getting kinda crowded. man, i tell ya, we're hiring people left and right. most of the new hires are artists and a few senior programmers. and of course there's always the interns and the testers. there's always testers. anyhow, these new hires...., man let me tell you, they have some passion. they want to change the world with their games. they want to make a huge splash and leave a huge impact crater amongst all the gamers in the world. they're willing to put in extra hours with no extra pay. they're willing to stay up all night hacking away at the computer. they're willing to burn more calories than they take in. they're willing to practically sacrifice their family, friends, their health, their limbs, and their lives. man, they're just like me 3 years ago.

i lectured a few of my fellow co-workers today over a Lebanese lunch today. i told them that in the end all they're developing is a silly video game; insignificant relative to almost any and all other aspects of life. and that eventually, like me and countless others, they'll grow out of their "passion" and mature into something that won't be so passionate about their current occupation. i even paraphrased everything i said for them and basically said that their priorities are not straight. i did not say it like that, of course. i put it in a more easier form to swallow for them young lads.

holy moly i sound like my grandfather.

run...we're going to die of dehydration!

what a funny title, eh? i just feel with the wacky weather we've been having and all that some day we're going to live to see the day we run out of fresh water. it is, after all, what the CIA predicts will happen in 15-20 years. anyhow it's november. and lately the weather's been pretty warm, much warmer than normal. some people refuse to believe global/local warming. and usually those same peoples refuse to believe there is a finite supply of fish in the sea. i mean, they must actually believe that fish is just so plentiful that we can catch fish everyday with ginormous fishing nets and not put a dent in the fish population. honestly, there doesn't seem to be not enough people in this world who are balanced. instead everybody has to be extreme one way or the other. and i don't care if im generalizing, because i know i am. i don't care anymore if i'm pigeon-holing things. i don't like pretending to be politically correct because i am so anti-politically correct. i really don't give a hoot anymore. i think i'm too nice. not necessarily nice to people, but just nice in general. and because of it, i think people subconsciously or inadvertently take advantage of it. and to be healthy and honest about it, i wouldn't doubt if i do the same.

the other day i mentioned that life is like a box of chocolates. well i forgot to talk about a few more things: you don't have to eat every single chocolate in the box. you don't have to try one for the sake of trying. you don't have to eat one because somebody gives you one. you don't have to always chew, you can swallow if you'd like. and you can spit out the ones you don't like.

could've, would've, should've, didn't.

could've been with my first company had i charm.
could've been manager at my current company had i desire.
could've been a successful business man had i vision.
could've been an owner of a house had i commitment.
could've been a doctor had i brains.
could've been a writer had i eloquence.
could've been a musician had i talent.
could've been married to that wonderful girl had i courage.

life is like a box of chocolates

yes, it is kinda true. life really is kinda like a box of chocolates.
the pure, dark chocolates are the best, and not to mention healthier than milk chocolates.
nobody really likes cherry-filled chocolates, because as a general rule cherries taste good only when they're in their natural fruity form. otherwise it tends to taste like cough syrup.
hold them in your hand too long and they will melt, but you can still lick on it.
it tastes pretty good with peanut butter.

on a tangent note, my plants are doing very well despite minimal care.
i so have a green thumb.

finding that adventurous spirit

it's time i set my feet on the ground, aka back to earth. what happened to me? i feel like a hamster all cooped up in this claustraphobic plastic shielded cage also known as corporate america. i can't breath. i need air circulation. if i don't i could just die.
(man i really need to stop likening myself to a hamster)


This is off the coast of Cheju Island, right off of the Korean peninsula. This is my aunt, and some statue of a lady, and myself about 3-4 years ago (has it been that long?). I had just came back from a very cold and very wet and bumpy boat ride. It was ok. Would've been better if my aunt went with me though. She's such a sweet person you'd have no idea i was related to her; so freely devoting of all her time for the Lord, every day, even though it requires of her many miles of walking (no joke), even at her age. It brings me tears thinking about it, of her, yet I don't know why. Maybe it's because she has so little, practically nothing. I'm not even sure if she eats 3 meals a day. I cry for her. She say's she so happy just to be able to serve her God. She always brings me back down to earth. She has so much more than I. Sure, I give her cash to help her. But it's only to feed her stomach. But she definitely doesn't live off it. She probably gives it away. I envy her heart. I envy her life. She's so real. It's about time that I start stepping back to earth again.

need to simplify

God's been telling me something for some time now. im just so damn slow at knowing it.
i need to simplify my life. i have too many distractions, way too many. i need to drastically simplify it. the less i carry with the less room and chance to needlessly worry. i really need to simplify.

man i really need to stop living in a bubble. if i were an animal, i swear, i'd be a turtle too scared to come out of its shell. maybe not scared. maybe too comfortable. or maybe just content.

and i gotta stop hoarding stuff. i know i can't take any of it with me. i know it as fact. it can't be done. even if i could i don't think i'd want any of it. i gotta give it away. gee... could i be any more vague? i swear...sometimes i crack myself up. man i'm so annoying.

street sweepers and rubber neckers

sit down for this....this is so funny you're not even going to laugh because it's so funny.
it's like 9:30 and im on my way to work on the freeway. and guess what? there's like 4 big city trucks sweeping the shoulder lane and hogging up all the bandwidth while kicking up dust and dirt in the air. of course they must do this at the most inconvenient times of the day; otherwise it would make too much sense, it would be logical, and the city certainly can't be logical or sensible. oh no, the city just can't. the same thing applies to road construction contractors. this happens more often than not in texas more than anywhere else, i've found.

now what's up with people driving and not paying attention? rubber neckers are the worst. of course im guilty of it too to a certain degree. after all i'm only human. rubber necking is fine as long as you don't slow down to 2 miles an hour. that's what happened today on my way home, on the freeway, due to what looked like a fatal accident (there were black body bags on the side of the road).

the worst rubber necking story was about this mom driving a van who literally slammed the brakes in the middle of an intersection, with cars behind her and all, just so that she could tell her kids to stop what they were doing and stare at an accident. i swear. that stuff just kills me.

if all drivers were considerate of others the world would be so much better that i believe crime rates would go down. if you're going to change lanes or make a turn, then for God's sake give a damn signal. don't be such a careless moron on the road. don't be such a tastless idiot behind the wheel. don't be such a selfish bastard.

other than that i had a pretty good day.

putting up with bull

the stupidest move i've made: signing up for a cell-phone family plan so that some dude who i don't even know can have a cell-phone, and only because he has bad credit (or no credit). i know. that's stupid. things weren't always this bad. things used to be pretty cool actually. but recently the phone bill has been getting kind of high, like 100%-150% higher than it should be. yikes! and the worst part of all this is that the dude lies in my face about the phone usage. it's kinda tough to lie to someone who has the itemized list of phone calls in his hands. it kills me. somebody please stab me right now.

a rant about phonies and being scared

im probably being an incredible hypocrite for saying this...
but i'm getting real tired of phonies. and by phonies i mean liars and deceivers in every possible way imaginable. i don't like it. i don't like it one bit. i really don't.

on a tangent thought there's a lot for me to be scared about lately these days.
but more on that later.

hang in there.

It was getting late on a Saturday night, nearly midnight, and I was miles from my pseudo-basement apartment. I caught the last scheduled subway train. The train rolled its way through the city; I stood in the middle and leaned up against a wall next to one of the doors that leads to the next train car. The train was fairly sparse which was normal for a late night ride. A young woman in her late twenties looks over and comments on how I look like im eigthteen years old. I didn't know whether she was trying to be rude or trying to be nice. After a minute of chatting I learned that she was a flight attendant for an airline company, I forget which one. She was nice. She also had a gorgeous smile. About halfway to my destination the subway speakers announces the final stop for the night. The subways run until midnight, then they stop, leaving all passengers no choice but to walk or take a taxi cab. The flight attendant lady gets all confused, she doesn't know the korean language. I dont blame her. Shoot, I could barely make out what the announcement was all about myself. I just knew it like the back of my hand because I've been in that situation before, not to mention at the exact same station too; been there and done that many times. We walk out, along with everybody else, and I'm trying to assure her that everything is ok. God I hated it when the subway makes its final stop like that. But that night was an unusual night, because a group of young ladies, again all foreigners who don't know a lick of korean, hears us talking and asks me for help. Boy were they relieved that they've found someone who speaks english! They were really worried and confused you can tell. So I go about assuring them that everything is ok. So there I was, a foreigner in a foreign land, leading about ten foreigners down so that we could catch a legitimate taxi cab. It took a while but I finally ended up hailing a cab. I give instructions for her destination, in my incredibly broken korean, and suddenly I was left with one less person to worry about. I gave myself a pat of my shoulder. She looks out the cab window and waves with the same gorgeous smile. That's the last I see of her. But it wasn't over. I walked the other girls for maybe a mile all the while trying desperately to hail more taxi's. It took two taxi's to take the whole group to their hotel. One of them, the leader, gave me her number as a gesture of gratitude. She was nice. But she hardly smiled really. She too was a english teacher, just like I was at the time. I went home a little later than usual and went to bed with a feeling of accomplishment. Those young ladies are lucky they met someone like me. It scares me what would've happened if I had not been there, or worse, if somebody with ill intentions was leaning on that wall in the middle of the train. They were absolutely clueless. God that scares me. And because they were so genuinely clueless I really felt for them. I made it my duty to make sure they made it through the night. I've been in their situation before, and I felt for them. I really did. I miss that place. So many people, so diverse, so much pollution, so much food, so dynamic. I promised a friend who's in desperate need of a shoulder to lean on that I'd be there soon enough. Hang in there Jenna, hang in there. Some day, one of these days soon enough, we will climb that mountain I've always talked about, and we can talk about all those important questions you have queued up about God, God's Word, about life, while sitting amongst the clouds. Hang in there.

changing careers.

It is very possible now...changing careers. I think i'd always be an engineer at heart, at least to some degree; but i think i'm an artist even more, and this aspect is wanting out finally. So a friend and I've decided to start this media production company, and I'm all in.

On a second note this morning....I woke up and stayed in bed, freezing my butt off, wondering why people are so scared of me. I don't just think of these things you know, people are really scared of me, some people, some times. And then i came to thinking that I am kind of a jerk, more often than not. And I'm sure I must be a real bore to most people, I'm sure of it. But is any of the above enough to justify fearing me like the plague? Now all I can think about is Shrek, and how he lived all by himself on his own swamp. No doubt he's no prince charming. After all he is an ogre. But I think underneath all those onion-like layers, Shrek has a good heart, a heart just as good, if not better, than most. I really think so, even though he's just a cartoon.

Oh how peachy

If only we could read each others' minds. I think that would be peachy. I mean it would be just absolutely peachy. Sure, that would mean being able to read all the negative stuff, but that would only make us clearer and cleaner thinkers, wouldn't it? And imagine all the things we could read and say just by thinking; all those things we're too afraid to ask and too timid to speak of.

Wouldn't the world be a better place? No lies. No illusions. No misunderstandings. I think it would a better place. I think it would be just peachy. I really do.

My absent mind, standing on the edge, and grasping security.

I don't know what to think this morning.
The weather is warm and cool at the same time. It's pretty nice and comfortable actually. And the sun is completely out. I don't know what else to think of this other than that I feel like a chicken in a small, tight chicken coop. Nature is begging me, it beckons me, to its bounty.

Something deep inside of me is telling me that I am standing at an edge. There are no immediate clues really, but I do know that I have a choice - either to turn away from the edge, or to jump. And fortunately I am not so reluctant to jump. In fact I want to jump without looking back, not too much anyways.

Most people are afraid of change, which is perfectly natural, I suppose. But I can't understand why anybody would choose security (ie. job security, financial security) over freedom. Securities, as we know it on earth, are not void of attachments. Of course there's nothing wrong with being secure. It is perfectly natural as well. I guess you'd have to see it to understand what I'm trying to get at. I'd never be able to explain it. I'm pretty lousy at that.

a new sandwich from jack in the box.

Ciabatta.

C-I, A-B-A, double-T, A.

Ciabatta.

~ not bad at all. 2 thumbs up for Jack.

for emergencies only

I noticed this at work not too long ago.
I had to take a photo...so I did.

the impact of our actions & the feelings of shame

(shm)
1. A painful emotion caused by a strong sense of guilt, embarrassment, unworthiness, or disgrace.
2. One that brings dishonor, disgrace, or condemnation.
3. A great disappointment.

I had the good privilege of waking up with such feelings of shame. I can trace the shame all the way back to its root, a particular set of shameful actions stem from. The actions in question is the very reason why I feel the way I do this morning, no doubt. Without going into details, let me lay it down straight and simple: our actions, no matter how small or insignificant at the time, can potentially have a great and huge impact later on. This is one of the laws of thermodynamics I think. And this is especially true if your actions go against the grain of another person, even if it is out of incredible ignorance, or out of genuinely good intentions.

so here i am, as hungry as a cow...sitting in bed, about to wash up and get dressed, and get ready for a full and cold saturday, going through life the best i can. and though i've no choice but to carry this baggage of shame with wherever i go, i do consider it a privilege to know it. with it i'm wiser and less prone to repeat. knowing it i will remember and will never forget why i feel the way i do. but now i am going to deep, and i'm afraid that i can't go into details.

cloned food supply

Just read an article about how the FDA is NOT going to enforce labeling cloned foods such as milk products and meat. This greatly disturbs me to the point of starving myself. But I won't, because I love food, and I love to eat it. I should initiate a petition or something. Or go on a food strike, or something like that. I want to tell the world's agricultural industries that messing around with our food chain is stupid. And that these idiots who're doing it for profits is on my hit-list. That's right - they're on my hit-list so that I can someday meet them face-to-face, and then I can finally hit them really hard. And I think they deserve it too.

But this is too barbaric. And besides, lawyers with lawsuits would be all over me like bees on honey. A better tactic would be to just hack their phones, or something personal, and just post it on the net. No sense working alone. In fact I should start a website, with its own url and all, about anti-food-engineering, or something wholesome and good like that.

Sounds good to me. I'm going to it. I'm going to go head first into this project. And my first step to anti-food-engineering success is to shop for a domain name and a service provider. I'll post the link to the soon-to-be coolest website ever (that i've ever published).

fruit salad blend

Today's juice blend:

1 cup apple juice
1 cup fruit salad (grapes, cantelope, honeydu melon,
watermelon)

blend until smooth and frothy.

awake one early morning

So it's 4:48 am. i woke up at 4:00 and could not get myself to sleep. when i usually wake up at around this time of day and can't find additional sleep necessary, or just find it a chore, i lift my concerns to the Lord. Even though i don't feel any anxieties nor worries, i can always learn or relearn a good handful of things to pray for; these are genuine things that hide themselves under the surface of daily reality mundane. many of them, not all, are byproducts of my subconscious and amazingly feeble efforts to try and fit in. I know and understand that a square peg will never ever go through a perfectly circular hole of equal diameter. but when will i believe this and stop trying to force it?

rarely, or perhaps too often, i wonder if i'm psychotic. i'm serious as one can possibly be. probably thinking like this is proof that i am. these days, mentally speaking, i can tell that i've been dusting things under the rug. and don't ask about the details. i don't feel like going into details. and there i go again, dusting it under the rug.

the forgotten

Rented a movie today: the forgotten. About a 1/4 way into it the movie started to get really interesting involving the NSA federal agents and all. It wasn't the best suspense movie I've seen - I've seen better, such as: The Others or Hide and Seek. About halfway through the movie my roommate says he's too tired and goes to bed, as usual, leaving me all by myself to watch it alone in the dark (I hate it when he does this during a horror movie, but then again I guess I could just turn the lights on). It turns out that the movie was just OK at best. But if I were to sum this up in one word, I'd say motherly love. Okay so may two words. The whole movie is about motherly love and how it is one of the strongest human emotions we possess. I know, hard to believe with a movie categorized as suspense. Anyhow, it got me thinking just how this is true. When every person is telling you to forget and let go, just like in the movie, we do the exact opposite - we remember and we hold on.

a day in the mall

It's not like me to go to the mall and just hang out. But today I went to two different shopping malls on the opposite ends of town. Collin Creek is where I started, close to home, where I was searching for a pair of jeans that were on sale. I decided to go to another mall farther away and with five times more traffic - I'm not sure why I made this decision as it was a stupid one. Realizing this I decided to go back to the first mall and which point I purchased the jeans I was looking for that were on sale. As I started my way back I decided to take another route and go to the bottom floor where benches, balconies, and delicate trees loom over the walkway. I liked the feeling, the feeling of atmosphere, a breath of fresh air. And it wasn't crowded with people like with most larger and more popular shopping malls. I ordered a pineapple-strawberry fruit smoothie - I got a large one which is uncharacteristic of me. Then, in a move that is not in my nature, I sat down at a peaceful table-for-two; peaceful yet in the middle of everything, an area where medium traffic is inevitable. But peaceful nonetheless. There I read a book, a book I had previously bought at a local book store earlier that day. I read 3-4 chapters today. I also read my latest magazine issue. And I've narrowed down 4 possible adventure choices down to 2. Joining a two week excavation team in Montana at an ancient Stegosaurus watering hole, or joining a two week excavation crew in the jungles and caves of Belize. Both are affordable but not necessarily cheap. Of course I'll post my decision when I decide.

all for You

So a friend gave me his collection of over 500 praise songs. This one song I really cherish. The following simple string of words really puts things in to perspective. It is by Starfield. Below, the song, not in its entirety.

Nothing compares to, life I have in You, nothing of this world satisfies. So I want to let go, I want to let You know, all that I have to give is Yours . Here I am, as gold to the fire, I will surrender to Your hand. To this place, Lord I have come ready for Your touch.

It's all for You. It's all for You. I'm letting go. I'm letting go.
It's all for You. It's all for You. I'm letting go. I'm letting go.

What is it in me that hangs on for so long? Why do I fight the tears that come? I work so hard to, keep in control when, all that I want is to let go.

It's all for You. It's all for You. I'm letting go. I'm letting go.
It's all for You. It's all for You. I'm letting go. I'm letting go.

the 64 second film contest

I'm registered.
Oh my...what did I get myself into?

http://www.64seconds.com/main.html

autumn days, continued

note to self.

1) Don't allow pride to prevent you from smiling, it happens far too often.
2) Return a kind gesture with a thank you, you don't do this often enough.
3) Treat others as you would have them treat you, you don't do this at all.
4) Know your space, don't go around popping other peoples' bubbles.
5) Face your problems; you've ran away from them for too long.
6) Read this and read it often, for you have the tendency to forget.

these early autumn days

as a birthday gift i received a folding bed. and even though i think it is less comfortable than sleeping on the floor, i am still very grateful for it.

life. what a life. could my life be any more pathetic? why am i always living in the past? eddie, let the pride go. some days i just shoot myself in the foot. those are the days i feel like i haven't grown up, and it's probably because i haven't, not fully, not yet. but i guess that this is just a stepping stone to something greater. i can not wait to see the day when this pathetic life becomes something worthwhile.

they say patience is a virtue. i think that is true. but if i think it true why do i forget it? maybe i dont believe it. or maybe i'm just apathetic. or maybe i'm just a hypocrite. it took me a long time to be able to comprehend and interpret analog clocks. my point is that i'm really slow at learning new things. i mean really slow. i admire people with patience. i admire them even more for being patient with me. therefore it makes me want to be abundantly patient with everybody else. but i'm not. i'm not patient with everybody. and maybe that is why i feel miserable.

to be continued in the morning...

life's hard lessons

People say they "find" love, as if it were an object hidden by a rock. But love takes many forms, and it is never the same for any man and woman. What people find then is a certain love... Love, like rain, can nourish from above, drenching couples with a soaking joy. But sometimes, under the angry heat of life, love dries on the surface and must nourish from below, tending to its roots, keeping itself alive. - the five people you meet in heaven

pride, it is THE thing that will somehow manage to find you. when it takes hold and your personal insecurities only reinforces it, beware, for you are most vulnerable. but truth be told, pride has no grip, it cannot hold or cling on to you. rather, it is you who hold and clings on to it. do yourself a favor and let it go.

hair cut day

Saturday morning, 11:06 AM.

Today's my hair-cut day.
Yay for me.

a little something...

on sacrifice:

"You didn't get it. Sacrifice is a part of life. It's supposed to be. It's not something to regret. It's something to aspire to. Little sacrifices. Big sacrifices. A mother works so her son can go to school. A daughter moves home to take care of her sick father. A man goes to war...."

on hatred:

"Edward,"...."Learn this from me. Holding anger is a poison. It eats you from inside. We think that hating is a weapon that attacks the person who harmed us. But hatred is a curved blade. And the harm we do, we do to ourselves."

- the five people you meet in heaven

the possible

have you come to the Red Sea place in your life,
where in spite of all you can do,
there is no way out, there is no way back,
there is no other way but through?

then wait on the Lord with a trust serene
till the night of your fear is gone;
He will send the wind, He will heap the floods,
when He says to your soul, "Go on."...

in the morning watch, 'neath the lifted cloud,
you shall see but the Lord alone,
when He leads you on from the place of the sea
to a land that you have not known;
and your fears shall pass as your foes have passed,
you shall no more be afraid;
you shall sing His praise in a better place,
a place that His hand has made.

- Annie Johnson Flint

it's a war zone

okay, it is official. with dead carcasses lying around it is nothing short of a war zone. For round two I got about half a dozen kills. As I leaned over the kitchen sink to get a better view behind the microwave, where lots of roaches seem to be coming from, a huge roach comes printing towards me. It must've come from the drain or maybe it was hiding within all of our kitchen utensils (which are all in the kitchen sink after being in the roach contaminated drawers for who knows how long). Now I am afraid. Because now they seem to be running directly at me. The enemy, it appears, is retaliating, and there are no signs of them giving up. Im afraid I have no choice but to stick around for round 3. The lights are off right now, but in a few minutes it'll be back on again. My new best friend is getting a pretty good work-out tonight! But this will be my last and final round. It's just to keep the roaches at bay. The exterminator will have to do what he's named for - exterminate. Even then it is still temporary. The insect kingdom out numbers us 200 million to 1 and growing. It's only a matter of time until they regain what they've lost today.

this means war

Yesterday I discovered a couple of tiny roaches around the kitchen sink. I killed them without hesitation, after all they're tiny roaches. Then I saw another one, a bigger one. I hesitated. I had foolishly believed that I had exterminated all traces of cock roaches in my apartment by my sheer determination, by simply killing every one in sight and with roach bait traps. And it's been a while since I've seen a roach too, which added to my foolish and false conclusion. So I decided to look thru all the cabinets and drawers. As I looked around and around everything looked free of roaches and their disgusting hints that they've been there. But as I surveyed the top of the refrigerator where my roommate keeps his cereal and bread (unclosed and unsealed I might add) I was shocked to see 2-3 fairly big roaches crawling along the cabinets (right above the fridge). I opened that cabinet slowly with the greatest awareness only to discover what seemed like a breeding ground of the enemy. I sprayed it very well. Shortly after I noticed larger ones being bold enough to come out and crawl along the walls and the counter tops, probably running away from their newly discovered (and newly destroyed) hiding place. And to think that I had exterminated them again proves just how foolish I really am...

Now it is the following day. After watching a movie I turn on the kitchen lights so I can grab a screw driver from one of the cabinets. Before I step foot on the kitchen floor I am amazed, no, dumb-founded, to see 2-3 big roaches casually walking about on the counter tops. I immediately grabbed the roach spray, my new best friend, and sprayed them off. As I let out a sigh of relief I was just about to let down my guard to place the spray bottle down. But I didn't even get a chance. Before I could place my best friend down I saw another one crawling along towards the sink, and it was running this time! I sprayed every cabinet corner, between every crevice, and along the floor perimeter. But even as I was doing that I saw the head, along with two antennaes, sticking out of a crevice in the outer cabinet, right beneath the counter top. It wasn't long before I couldn't believe my eyes...the roaches were swarming - they must've been hungry. I'm going in for another round of roach slaughtering in a few more minutes. I can only hope that my best friend can hold up.

Note to self - call the exterminator tomorrow!

never mind about gp.

Um, about Green Peace. Never mind I said that.

considering green peace.

GreenPeace sounds too good to be true. Nevertheless i
should investigate deeper into this non-profit organization.

____________________________________________________
Start your day with Yahoo! - make it your home page
http://www.yahoo.com/r/hs

waste not

"No life is a waste," the Blue Man said. "The only time we waste is the time we spend thinking we are alone."

- the five people you meet in heaven

the cuteness of Siberian Huskies

I am a proud owner of a Siberian Husky puppy.
I bought him a red collar for $4 (I think).
He loves to fetch tennis balls and frisbees.
In fact, I entered him into a frisbee catching contest and won 1st place. And we won 100 bucks! He likes taking walks for the most part, although he seems rather lazy lately about it. Too bad I'm hardly ever home to feed him.

~ Nintendogs ~

math teacher twice a week.

Today was our first official day. It is our second day working with IRC (International Regufee Committee). The first day was an introductory/orientation type of class, but it was still a class for my class any way. Ben and I got to help two students one-on-one with some mathemtics. They're eager to learn. They have a ways to go. But they've already made tremendous progressive strides. And they all want to be a programmer of some sorts, some day. The first day we had 4 students. Today there were only 2. Perhaps they forgot? This Sunday Ben and I will be meeting with these kids again a couple of hours after noon-time so we can continue with the tutoring. It is tutoring, but it's much more like a crash course in english terminology, mathematics, and all the concepts that go in between. Fortunately they understand many of the gibberish that comes out of my mouth which is practically a miracle in and of itself considering this is me we're talking about here. But these are Liberian kids; kids in their early adolescence; kids who still need time and training before they can tame the english language on their own. It's not suppose to be this way, only once a week. But after sitting down for a few hours, those hours seeming like just 30 minutes, you realize that:

1. These kids are serious.
2. They're in a serious predicament.
3. They need serious help.

these self-proclaimed wise words.

. Don't eat raw, unripe fruit
. Never count eggs before they hatch
. If you're thirsty your body has been dehydrated for some time, drink water
. Drink at least 8 cups of clean, pure water every day
. Eat breakfast like a king, lunch like a prince, and dinner like a pauper
. Don't look directly at the sun
. Love your God with all your heart and with all your mind and with all your soul
. God loves you
. Cell phones could possibly cause brain cancer
. Take pictures, from time to time
. Read a book, from time to time, at the least
. Refrain from junk foods if possible
. Refrain from frequenting fast food restaurants
. Abstain from temptations that bind you at all costs
. Go fishing at least once in your lifetime
. Go scuba diving at least once in your lifetime
. Enjoy all weather, whether rain, sleet, or tornado
. Enjoy nature's bounty
. Don't be afraid to get out in the sun
. There's nothing wrong or shameful about sweating, it's healthy
. Do not worry, it's a sin
. Love your neighbor
. Talk to your neighbor
. Don't be concerned about the latest cars, it's needless
. Don't be concerned about your income level, you'll live
. Rid of your pride, it doesn't do you any good
. In ALL things give praise and glory to God

please do try and tame your tongue

Bad/dirty words always made me feel guilty when i managed to use it especially growing up during my early school years. About two years ago my new English friend who had been born again in the Spirit and freed from bondage in the flesh brought to my full attention the everyday and almost reflexive use of foul language.

A word or phrase doesn't have to be "bad" or even "dirty" in order for it to be rendered profane, obscene, or inappropriate. It is how it is used in context. Therefore any spoken word or phrase is thoroughly capable of offending when said with an offending heart. Daily living, simple living, is no different. Keeping a clean sparkling mouth on one day and having a filthy frothing mouth on another is to be keeping two different worlds apart - you might as well be living two separate lives because in a way you really truly are.

Riding the powder.

So I find myself looking forward to snow-boarding, a sport I've never ever tried, although I've skiied on two separate occasions. The thought of having both feet planted in one snow board makes me feel safe, much safer than wearing skis where there exists the potential possibility of doing unintentional splits. I find myself sleepless at the prospect of tracing the contours of fresh glistening white powder on a sparse hilly mountain-side. And I find myself seeking for courage - courage for a great many things.

a friday's ramblings

Earlier this week somebody proposed to me albeit in a nonchalant and joking manner. Even though i knew this and took it without a speckle of seriousness I was in a state of shock as i continued to mind my business and give my full attention to my computer monitor. In hindsight I should've opend my mouth and said "No" to him.

Today was a rather casual day in the office. My fellow co-workers (4) and I had quite the diverse and philosophical conversation - everything from the illusion of teleportation when copying matter at the atomic level (as opposed to true transferring of atoms from one physical location to another) along with the moral and ethical and spiritual ramifications of atomic-teleportation (hence atomic cloning) to the latest technologies in 2D/3D image projections into thin air (now on the market).

Went to Central Market for lunch, went home at 4:30 pm, and packed up and prepared for a a visit to Mom and Dad's. "Oh shoot!!". That is what I said out loud to myself when it dawned on me that a friend had invited me over to watch Battle Star Galactica (or was it Star Trek?). Too bad I don't watch either of them, let alone like them. So I unpack and catch a ride to the host's abode with my roommate (we car pooled, yay!).

In more interesting and applicable ramblings that's of any worth in mentioning, I've been reading about the emerging church (a neat book). Authentic and experiential worship by the mediums that are available through our five senses, this may or may not require some time. Enough of my ramblings....I need to at least attempt to watch the TV show.

Clouded judgment

Twenty feet under water, breathing through an artificial respirator, gazing through a condensationed mask, and trying not to let the cold thermal-clines get to me - this was the scenario. The objective was to find a sunken man-made shark with a huge gaping mouth decorated with distinctively sharp teeth that brightly contrasted with the deep darkness of its throat. Just thinking about it brings chills down my spine. Yet here I was, at the bottom of a murky and muddy lake with only 20 ft visibility which seemed more like 8 ft visibility, trying to find this shark head-on. Suddenly all I see is mud, and lots of it. I was sinking. I gave a flutter of kicks but it was too late and too little. I should've kicked with all my might. Next thing I know I'm surrounded by a rising cloud of silt. Disorientation struck in no time. Where was I? What direction was I facing? Did I have enough air in my tank? Was I rising or falling? Then in a mixture of relief and disappointment I saw the surface from beneath. I saw bubbles rising and racing to the top, hundreds of them, maybe thousands. I had just failed to earn my scuba certification for that day.

In the midst of every inconceivable distraction; stop, breath, and look to what will bring you to the goal. Muddy floors, freezing currents, ugly fish, oxygen levels, low visibility...these are mere distractions - obstacles to be conquered - fears to be overcome. Instead keep a steady and unwavering eye on your compass, for it eagerly and relentlessly shows you the way.

More ramblings with Negra Modelo

I'm having my 2nd Negra Modelo at work as I'm typing this. Not 2nd one today. It is the 2nd one in my life. Unusual day today. Eating a garden salad now. I've always been a rabbit when it came to food but this is getting ridiculous. It's tough to eat with a passion when you're not sure if what you're eating is smart or not. Now there is a sudden fear of moving. I mean physically moving to another location or something. Don't worry, I assure you I am not getting drunk even though my ramblings may lead you to such a conclusion. On the contrary, my mind is still as sharp as a newly sharpened pencil. Now it is time for me to get back to work. Only 1 more hour until midnight.

ultimate frisbee day

I've made much progress in the office lately so I'm treating myself to an early release from the office and participate in a game of ultimate frisbee. Although I hardly ever get to touch the frisbee when I play I do enjoy running around pretending like I know what I'm doing. I found that the figure-eight is the best pattern to run...but it has to be a sufficiently big enough figure-eight, otherwise it just looks funny and people will catch on and take advantage of your novice-level ultimate frisbee incompetence. By chance they do catch on, change your pattern to something like a figure-O pattern. Again, it has to be a sufficiently big figure-O, otherwise you'll look lost out there literally running in small circles. The majority of the ultimate frisbee players seem to be from the local Chinese church. They're a youthful bunch. Most of the time I feel like a race horse that is out-matched by every other race horse. But although I am a little older and a lot slower, all it takes is for me to get a glimpse of your eye, then I can take off like the wind leaving you choking on my trail of dust, just like SeaBiscuit. Unfortunately this increased level of performance only lasts for a few seconds, which is very unlike SeaBiscuit. But then again SeaBiscuit got to wear horse shoes. I don't know why I feel like SeaBiscuit today. Maybe it's the weather we're having right now, the kind that precedes almost every thunderstorm in Texas. Maybe it's the chinese food I had for lunch. Or maybe it's because I'm wearing a tie. Or maybe it's because I'm two hours away from running around with other race horses. What ever it is it's an inspiration. I think every woman, man, and child has a SeaBiscuit inside them somewhere. I'm still trying to teach mine to be a horse again.

something new

Today, a Saturday, at work, a coworker brought a 6-pack of beer I've never seen nor tasted.

I'm having one and it tastes nice. It even has a unique bottle shape to it.

 

Negra Modelo, imported straight from Mexico.

next chapter please

No thing or body on this planet is perfect. It is so true and thus so transparent, sometimes to the point of being painfully obvious. Consequentially you can not ask of any thing or any body (any person) to be perfect. It is for all practical purposes impossible. We all make mistakes. Some more than others. And some even more still. This chapter will always be a mixed bag of joy, sorrow, and confusion. O how I wish this chapter ended with a happier song!

i suppose it's now time to turn the page and keep reading.

the light does the darkness most fear

Some odd number of years ago I discovered my foolishness and a severe flaw. Ever since a child I've under-estimated the powers of darkness. At some point in my childhood I had convinced myself through the inner workings of my own pride that I was perfectly capable of resisting temptations and the devil himself. I had no fear. I had no anxieties. I had not a clue.

Lucifer, the morning star, enjoys it when we under-estimate. He relishes on our thinking of him as an allegorical personification. He is more than pleased when we regard him as mythology or his name as a planetary body. He loves it even more when we deny his existence altogether. Lucifer is not fun and games. He is not to be taken lightly and shrugged off as a non-threatening entity. He is alive today. He is as real as the air you breathe. He roams the earth like a starving lion, waiting to devour. He deceived a third of God's angels. He deceived God's earthly creatures, Adam and Even. And he had certainly deceived me.
But there is hope...

Keep your guard.
Do not play his games.
Do not accept his lies.
Do not fall for his illusions.
Resist him and he will flee.

...I will gather myself around my faith
For light does the darkness most fear.
- Jewel

i need a new sleeping bag

to sleep in a sleeping bag
every single night
is more like a big rag
covering you up tight

here we go again.

The cycle never seems to come to an end. Project after
project. Revolution after revolution. Day after day.
Night after night. Maybe working harder and faster
would eliminate these crunch times, perhaps?

No body and no mind is cut out for such demands. My
body is already showing signs of wear and tear. How
many more until my mind begins to fade - or has it
already begun?

Regardless, for now, I am here, again, working on a
Sunday evening...with a bottle of Shiner Bock and a
liter of spring water to sail me through the day, I
mean night.

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opened.

Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself; is not puffed up; does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. 1 Corinthians 13.

It is such a deep and beautiful morning. A clear morning sky and the showering warmth of healing sun both work together to encompass my terrace as I lie on my sun-bleached Jamaican hammock.

Being a slow learner, twenty seven years have passed for my understanding the evils, the grave sins, of pride, envy, and jealousy. My heart, as if it were a late blooming flower, finally senses the sun. It finally seems to feel the nourishment offered by rain and mildew. Waking from its slumber that is long overdue, my spiritual heart is opening slowly, and it wants to respond. I can see the value of the sins - it is a devastating one. For such things do not come from love. No, not at all. Not by any means.

Twenty seven years it takes me to realize and accept the fact that I am so full of these undesirable and deprecating sins.

stark contrasts

When people say this we must ask them whether by Life-Force they mean something with a mind or not. If they do, then "a mind bringing life into existence and leading it to perfection" is really a God, and their view is thus identical to the Religious. If they do not, then what is the sense in saying that something without a mind "strives" or has "purpose"?
C.S. Lewis, Mere Christianity

As I read through this I just had to read it again, and again. The fact of the matter is that this passage has The Best explanation for my reoccuring nightmares during my childhood. Although the correlation is weak and vague it provokes my forgotten nightmares from the deep crevishes of my imagination. The nightmares were only two. They were elegant in nature yet unimaginably extreme.

Imagine a white room with no apparant boundaries. Suddenly a shrouded woman dressed in ragged winter clothes carrying a large bundle of baby trees, like large dead sticks, carrying them with both arms to one side. The sticks are very long, sometimes as long as full grown tree. Everything about her dark and dirty clothing is semi-vivid, not exatly real, but detailed to the dirt and bark of the trees. You do not see her face, nor do you see her from the front, but you always always see a glimpse of her as she leaves the white room, carrying dead baby trees. Suddenly it strikes you that she is gone, you are left alone in an endless universe of clean bright whiteness, and the dream comes to an end.

Imagine a waterfall, as large and as powerful and as loud as you can imagine, like standing three feet in front of Niagra Falls. Suddenly the water stops to a halt. And like a slightly leaky faucet, a droplet is clearly seen and clearly heard. Sometimes it would be vice-versa - leaky faucet to raging water fall. And the dream comes to an end.

day and night
oil and water
good and evil
...

Adventure hunting begins.

So I made an investment - a GPS (global positioning system).
With this device I reckon I be driving and hiking more often than my norm, in pursuit of that hidden treasure, and eventually encrypting custom riddles and stashing my own memories.

seeking

Athens SCUBA park, in Athens, Tx, looks to be an
interesting lake as far as diving is concerned. It is
a man-made lake converted from an old quarry site. No
fish exists, from what I understand, but there are
literally tons and tons of sunken objects, including a
jet airplane , a Volkswagon beetle, and a bus, and
that's just to name a few.

So I find myself in need of a dive partner (to be on
the safe side). Fortunately Dallas has several SCUBA clubs/organizations.

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Sights on New Zealand.

My original targeted-destination is coming back in scope. I know nothing of the schedule, but I should, no, I must, begin "formal" training as if this trip were written in stone. Training is a must if I expect to perform feats of courage during "black water rafting", or when traversing through the inner entrails of a glacier, or doing something more common, like sea kayaking, snorkling with seals, or swimming with giant fish. These are all physical, attacking and challenging only the fleshly components of my body. But what about mind, character, and spirit, the components of the soul? Amazingly (miraculously) my Creator is already on it, and much of it without my being aware. Indispensable are the traits I speak of. But there is much to be done. Much work is needed, much more, much much more....

Here on the mountain I have spoken to you clearly; I will not often do so down in Narnia. Here on the mountain, the air is clear and your mind is clear; as you drop down into Narnia, the air will thicken. Take great care that it does not confuse your mind. And the signs which you have learned here will not look at all as you expect them to look, when you meet them there. That is why it is so important to know them by heart and pay no attention to appearances. Remember the signs and believe the signs. Nothing else matters.
- The Silver Chair, ch. 2.

For bodily exercise profiteth little: but godliness is
profitable unto all things, having promise of the life that
now is, and of that which is to come.
- 1 Timothy 4:8

A world apart.

The few hour of riding a jeep over and through the vast wilderness countryside came to an end. With my own two feet I approach the grassy and sparsely brushed hilltop, the invisible border of Tanzania. Suddenly, yet at the same time subtly, this amazing and uncontainable valley, endless and bountiful, untouched and untamed, my eyes witnessed for the first. As an added bonus, living rays of sunshine sprayed down on the valley and painted scattered patches of moving cloud-shadows in their various shapes and sizes. And then came the oh-so-familiar fear of this moment being the last my soul will know to enjoy.

The jeep stopped one more time, but this time next to a dried river-bed as wide as two school buses measure long. Though still suffering from the stomach pains, I found strength to walk out of the jeep, all on my own. In my unwashed dirty clothes that I've been wearing for a week, I found my footing towards the center of the river-bed bottom. Of mostly pure sand and small pebbles is the river-bed's composition with scattered pools of remnant mud-water. As I reached my destination that I had set in my mind, a mound of damp-dry patchy sand, I notice how light-footed my steps are even though my entire body is that of a heavy-footed clumsy boy drained of his fluids and nutrients. But I really didn't mind, nor did I truly care, for about 400-500 ft before me, a raging herd of Wilderbeasts, along with a few spots of Zebras, was already in full motion of crossing. My senses were overhwelmed yet not over-powered. Smokes of waked dust accompanied the herd in the ever-so-clear distance, and so did the cladder of a thousand thundering footsteps. And again...the familiar fear taunts and tantalizes me.

NAUI certified and ready to explore the depths of the seas

The National Association of Underwater Instructors, NAUI, is the oldest diver certification agencies (founded in 1960) and is one of the most respected SCUBA certification agencies in the world. It is the most thorough of among dive certifications and routinely exceeds diving standards.

As of July 5, 2005 I am NAUI certified for open-water SCUBA diving.

(From left-right, top-bottom)
Holding on at a depth of 20ft, Look out it's a shark!, Taking a break between dives (aka. surface time), Diving in feet first from the dock (aka. giant stride), Look it's a sunken ship!

the miracle of liquid water.

So I'm watching a wonderful show narrated by James Earl Jones, "In the beginning...", on KERA, the local PBS station for Dallas, Texas. It makes a very interesting observation. The interesting observation goes something like this:

Liquid water we take for granted. It is unimaginably rare in the universe. It is what sustains life on earth. Yet if the earth's core temperature were marginally warmer or cooler, liquid water would not exist. Yet people dread the rain.

It is true (the last line), and I find this to be peculiar, unusual, abnormal, and ungrateful. Why can't I walk in the pouring rain without an umbrella? The same thing goes for smelling food, or just general things for that matter. We have a nose. Why can't I smell something without being called a weirdo?

Miracles are all around us. Enjoy them.

El Capitan

The Yosemite valley is an evergreen forestation carved from countless years of wind, water, and ice. The supremely idyllic vista is breath-takingly spectacular and alone makes the trip worth it every single time.


El Capitan, a monstrous cliff formation looming over the valley, still stands bold and tall. Even today it is constantly being chiseled and shaped by the very hand of God. See it up close and in person to see a perspective with respect to the world around you, because like everything else, no picture will ever do it justice. Experience for yourself this singular mass of stone with your very eyes alone, and understand a glimpse of the awesomeness of God's overwhelming power and creative genius. You will walk away, slowly, occasionally turning around to convince your existence that it is indeed the real deal; and you will be impressed, and you will stare in dumb silence, and you will forget about time, and you will forget about yourself for once, and you will wish you had the eyes of an eagle, and you will not want to leave. And if you're anything like me, you will cry, but just a little bit.

not just words.

I was never a man of much words. Exchange a few with
me and it becomes painfully obvious, I'm not a man
gifted with an eloquent voice. And doubtful I ever be.
But not long ago, like fairly recently, a little birdy chirped and told
me that i don't have to be. He said that there are
other things to worry about, greater things, far more
significant things.

Nothing satisfies me anymore. All my childhood dreams
are gone, and so are my career dreams, they're all
gone. So what does that leave me with? Well, it's
actually quite obvious, very quite. Im not exactly
sure how or what caused this, although I have a theory
that I believe to be sound, the usual fears that held
me back are being released (present tense), and my
inhibitions are lessened by a substantial margin.

The fear of losing my job, the ever-so-common fear of
losing the career momentum to progress in the
workforce, the great imposing fear of losing the
respectability of relatives who prides in the
abundance of cash and financial credits, the conscientious
fear of literally getting too dirty, the unreasonable
fear of passing through a village and never touching
another soul, the universal fear of sensing a
tremendous loss, the childish fear of the unknown....

This list, to anyone's imagination, goes on and on.
Yet amazingly all this can be encapsulated (and I do
believe this) into one great ball of mesh, and then
explained by a single, elegant, unifying reason. This
reason explains why the huge list exists in the first
place. It explains why they can merge and stick
together so very well. And it explains why having
nothing to do with it is essentially equivalent to
being set free from a solitarily confined prison.

It goes against all of my animal instincts. Deliberately I must tell myself to let my creator take the driver's seat, and I the passenger seat. Deliberate I must be, else I be in control again. And perhaps someday, maybe, just maybe, I will wake up one morning and by His Grace and His Grace alone, I will have finally learned to simply let go and permanently hand over my keys and never worry about driving again. And with the deepest part of me I pray that that morning is here.

lost and forgotten

No phone, no wallet, no credit card, no driver's
license.
The Lord is telling me something. He's telling me to
evaluate myself. He's asking me to ask myself, "What
am I doing?".

It feels pretty good to be separated from
everyday/important things that tag along in our
pockets. It feels good because they are but mere
things, insignificant things, if you can see past the
lie. And yes, they are lies, all of it, because there
is no gray about it. It is as black and white as oil
and water.

You think I be a fool eh? Naive? Immature, perhaps?
Possible you think of me a liar, a jerk, a literary
scoundrel?

Then so be it.

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how to annoy yourself

My indifference and/or my lack of mental clarity is
starting to annoy myself now. The following is a 4
step process to surely annoy the heck out of yourself:

1. Lose your wallet.

2. Bring your lunch to work; come lunch time forget
the fact that you brought one and go out and get
another one.

3. Repeat step 2 until you find ways to remind
yourself.

3. Lose your mobile phone.

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A Fat Tire.

Nothing like a 6-pack of cool beer, amber ale to be exact, on a late Friday
night in the office, surrounded by co-workers cramming
away to meet beta.

....actually, I can think of 27 billion other places
I'd rather be.

the morning sun

Lord it is Your voice that commands the morning.

(overlooking terrace one random morning)


not good Enough.

What can a man do when he is incapable of being something he is not?

Absolutely nothing.

Don't try this at home.

So I had a zip-lock bag full of assorted fruits, much
more varied than usual. So I decided to be a little
creative with my fruit blend.

Warning: I'm not entirely sure why, but the following blend recipe is nearly
undrinkable. I'll repost this one when I have this
perfected.

1/3 cup of spring Ozarka water, 4-6 green seedless
grapes, 4-6 seeded red cherries, 1 small and crisp red
apple, 2 small lemons.

Yes, my puppy was well loved.

I never saw the movie Helpless in Seattle. And I don't even want to entertain the idea of watching it. But that phrase is what popped in my mind as I readied for a new log entry. But don't ask why because I have no idea why.

So anyway, my puppy was well loved. He was a scottish-terrier-looking dog (but definitely not a scottish-terrier). White fur with large light-brown spots is how he dressed everyday (like he had a choice). Like most dogs (all dogs?), Happy (that was his name), was a loyal, outgoing dog.

Happy sometimes would run away, but would always find his way back home (sometimes after a day or two).
Happy was indeed a loyal dog, but not always a well-behaved dog.
And Happy, like all dogs eventually, decided to leave his master (that would be me).
Happy suffered many long days of kidney failure.
He died from a heart-attack.

Lesson #1: Anti-freeze is a lethal thing, and everybody should fix their car right away if it starts to leak anything but water.

Lesson #2: The fear of losing a loved one may cloud your judgment.

Lesson #3: Nothing lasts forever, not in this realm.

Lesson#4: Life is short.

Lesson#5: When lesson 4 is understood, registered, and realized, life becomes more precious than previously known.

Lesson #6: Applying lesson 5 to a loved one will yield a willingness to die for them.

Lesson #7: After knowing lesson 6, understanding God's demonstration of love by sacrificing His only Son, a man, will no longer seem so unthinkable.

Lesson #8: No matter how long or how often you do it, crying over the loss of a loved will not bring them back.

Lesson #9: There is nothing wrong with crying over the loss of a loved one.

Lesson #10: Potty-training a puppy is frustrating.

open water

Open Water I finally saw;
life and reality pure and raw.

Deep turbulent wild and cold;
the flick makes me superbly bold.

Held and poised that is the key;
no other way to be out at sea.

Blue abyss one of my great fears;
the hour of conquer is very near.

A mid-afternoon O.J.

2 California Valencia oranges and 1 cup of spring water.

electronic entertainment expo (E3) - a Synopsis

Never seen so many large children in one building before in my life.
The end.

bored silly

My mobile phone company is threatening to cancel my service and taint my credit by reporting me to the collections agency. All this just because I forgot to pay a measly $50 phone bill. Yeesh! I couldn't really care less. It's not like people call me anyway.

So I find myself entering a new log when Im bored. And from the looks of it I've been bored a lot. No worries. I can't afford to worry. If im fortunate enough I could join another medical team to Cambodia for a stretch of 3 months. So I am awaiting that opportunity. Moreover, I've signed a weekend course for self-contained underwater breathing apparatus (that's SCUBA for you lay-people out there). If it weren't for adventures I honestly don't know how else I could live.

For you don't always learn to appreciate God's creation when you're always walking on the "surface". Sometimes a different perspective is a good thing, a very good thing. Whether it be climbing a high mountain to its frigid and hostile summit, or it be belly-crawling a claustrophobic pitch dark watery cavern, or being dwarfed up-close-and-personal by a single sea creature larger than two school buses put together, or being dwarfed by a school of fish...and swimming through it --- those are the very moments when you feel the most alive, and therefore grateful that you are indeed alive. You can also be sensitized by simply walking outside and "away" from the artificialities of everyday life; that is, walking without the intent of going anywhere.

It is ever so clear to me why I enjoy such adventures. And it is ever so clear to me that I do not enjoy knowing God because I enjoy His creation. But rather it is that I enjoy His creation because I know God.

current struggles: jealousy and envy.