a rant about phonies and being scared

im probably being an incredible hypocrite for saying this...
but i'm getting real tired of phonies. and by phonies i mean liars and deceivers in every possible way imaginable. i don't like it. i don't like it one bit. i really don't.

on a tangent thought there's a lot for me to be scared about lately these days.
but more on that later.

hang in there.

It was getting late on a Saturday night, nearly midnight, and I was miles from my pseudo-basement apartment. I caught the last scheduled subway train. The train rolled its way through the city; I stood in the middle and leaned up against a wall next to one of the doors that leads to the next train car. The train was fairly sparse which was normal for a late night ride. A young woman in her late twenties looks over and comments on how I look like im eigthteen years old. I didn't know whether she was trying to be rude or trying to be nice. After a minute of chatting I learned that she was a flight attendant for an airline company, I forget which one. She was nice. She also had a gorgeous smile. About halfway to my destination the subway speakers announces the final stop for the night. The subways run until midnight, then they stop, leaving all passengers no choice but to walk or take a taxi cab. The flight attendant lady gets all confused, she doesn't know the korean language. I dont blame her. Shoot, I could barely make out what the announcement was all about myself. I just knew it like the back of my hand because I've been in that situation before, not to mention at the exact same station too; been there and done that many times. We walk out, along with everybody else, and I'm trying to assure her that everything is ok. God I hated it when the subway makes its final stop like that. But that night was an unusual night, because a group of young ladies, again all foreigners who don't know a lick of korean, hears us talking and asks me for help. Boy were they relieved that they've found someone who speaks english! They were really worried and confused you can tell. So I go about assuring them that everything is ok. So there I was, a foreigner in a foreign land, leading about ten foreigners down so that we could catch a legitimate taxi cab. It took a while but I finally ended up hailing a cab. I give instructions for her destination, in my incredibly broken korean, and suddenly I was left with one less person to worry about. I gave myself a pat of my shoulder. She looks out the cab window and waves with the same gorgeous smile. That's the last I see of her. But it wasn't over. I walked the other girls for maybe a mile all the while trying desperately to hail more taxi's. It took two taxi's to take the whole group to their hotel. One of them, the leader, gave me her number as a gesture of gratitude. She was nice. But she hardly smiled really. She too was a english teacher, just like I was at the time. I went home a little later than usual and went to bed with a feeling of accomplishment. Those young ladies are lucky they met someone like me. It scares me what would've happened if I had not been there, or worse, if somebody with ill intentions was leaning on that wall in the middle of the train. They were absolutely clueless. God that scares me. And because they were so genuinely clueless I really felt for them. I made it my duty to make sure they made it through the night. I've been in their situation before, and I felt for them. I really did. I miss that place. So many people, so diverse, so much pollution, so much food, so dynamic. I promised a friend who's in desperate need of a shoulder to lean on that I'd be there soon enough. Hang in there Jenna, hang in there. Some day, one of these days soon enough, we will climb that mountain I've always talked about, and we can talk about all those important questions you have queued up about God, God's Word, about life, while sitting amongst the clouds. Hang in there.

changing careers.

It is very possible now...changing careers. I think i'd always be an engineer at heart, at least to some degree; but i think i'm an artist even more, and this aspect is wanting out finally. So a friend and I've decided to start this media production company, and I'm all in.

On a second note this morning....I woke up and stayed in bed, freezing my butt off, wondering why people are so scared of me. I don't just think of these things you know, people are really scared of me, some people, some times. And then i came to thinking that I am kind of a jerk, more often than not. And I'm sure I must be a real bore to most people, I'm sure of it. But is any of the above enough to justify fearing me like the plague? Now all I can think about is Shrek, and how he lived all by himself on his own swamp. No doubt he's no prince charming. After all he is an ogre. But I think underneath all those onion-like layers, Shrek has a good heart, a heart just as good, if not better, than most. I really think so, even though he's just a cartoon.

Oh how peachy

If only we could read each others' minds. I think that would be peachy. I mean it would be just absolutely peachy. Sure, that would mean being able to read all the negative stuff, but that would only make us clearer and cleaner thinkers, wouldn't it? And imagine all the things we could read and say just by thinking; all those things we're too afraid to ask and too timid to speak of.

Wouldn't the world be a better place? No lies. No illusions. No misunderstandings. I think it would a better place. I think it would be just peachy. I really do.

My absent mind, standing on the edge, and grasping security.

I don't know what to think this morning.
The weather is warm and cool at the same time. It's pretty nice and comfortable actually. And the sun is completely out. I don't know what else to think of this other than that I feel like a chicken in a small, tight chicken coop. Nature is begging me, it beckons me, to its bounty.

Something deep inside of me is telling me that I am standing at an edge. There are no immediate clues really, but I do know that I have a choice - either to turn away from the edge, or to jump. And fortunately I am not so reluctant to jump. In fact I want to jump without looking back, not too much anyways.

Most people are afraid of change, which is perfectly natural, I suppose. But I can't understand why anybody would choose security (ie. job security, financial security) over freedom. Securities, as we know it on earth, are not void of attachments. Of course there's nothing wrong with being secure. It is perfectly natural as well. I guess you'd have to see it to understand what I'm trying to get at. I'd never be able to explain it. I'm pretty lousy at that.

a new sandwich from jack in the box.

Ciabatta.

C-I, A-B-A, double-T, A.

Ciabatta.

~ not bad at all. 2 thumbs up for Jack.

for emergencies only

I noticed this at work not too long ago.
I had to take a photo...so I did.

the impact of our actions & the feelings of shame

(shm)
1. A painful emotion caused by a strong sense of guilt, embarrassment, unworthiness, or disgrace.
2. One that brings dishonor, disgrace, or condemnation.
3. A great disappointment.

I had the good privilege of waking up with such feelings of shame. I can trace the shame all the way back to its root, a particular set of shameful actions stem from. The actions in question is the very reason why I feel the way I do this morning, no doubt. Without going into details, let me lay it down straight and simple: our actions, no matter how small or insignificant at the time, can potentially have a great and huge impact later on. This is one of the laws of thermodynamics I think. And this is especially true if your actions go against the grain of another person, even if it is out of incredible ignorance, or out of genuinely good intentions.

so here i am, as hungry as a cow...sitting in bed, about to wash up and get dressed, and get ready for a full and cold saturday, going through life the best i can. and though i've no choice but to carry this baggage of shame with wherever i go, i do consider it a privilege to know it. with it i'm wiser and less prone to repeat. knowing it i will remember and will never forget why i feel the way i do. but now i am going to deep, and i'm afraid that i can't go into details.

cloned food supply

Just read an article about how the FDA is NOT going to enforce labeling cloned foods such as milk products and meat. This greatly disturbs me to the point of starving myself. But I won't, because I love food, and I love to eat it. I should initiate a petition or something. Or go on a food strike, or something like that. I want to tell the world's agricultural industries that messing around with our food chain is stupid. And that these idiots who're doing it for profits is on my hit-list. That's right - they're on my hit-list so that I can someday meet them face-to-face, and then I can finally hit them really hard. And I think they deserve it too.

But this is too barbaric. And besides, lawyers with lawsuits would be all over me like bees on honey. A better tactic would be to just hack their phones, or something personal, and just post it on the net. No sense working alone. In fact I should start a website, with its own url and all, about anti-food-engineering, or something wholesome and good like that.

Sounds good to me. I'm going to it. I'm going to go head first into this project. And my first step to anti-food-engineering success is to shop for a domain name and a service provider. I'll post the link to the soon-to-be coolest website ever (that i've ever published).

fruit salad blend

Today's juice blend:

1 cup apple juice
1 cup fruit salad (grapes, cantelope, honeydu melon,
watermelon)

blend until smooth and frothy.

awake one early morning

So it's 4:48 am. i woke up at 4:00 and could not get myself to sleep. when i usually wake up at around this time of day and can't find additional sleep necessary, or just find it a chore, i lift my concerns to the Lord. Even though i don't feel any anxieties nor worries, i can always learn or relearn a good handful of things to pray for; these are genuine things that hide themselves under the surface of daily reality mundane. many of them, not all, are byproducts of my subconscious and amazingly feeble efforts to try and fit in. I know and understand that a square peg will never ever go through a perfectly circular hole of equal diameter. but when will i believe this and stop trying to force it?

rarely, or perhaps too often, i wonder if i'm psychotic. i'm serious as one can possibly be. probably thinking like this is proof that i am. these days, mentally speaking, i can tell that i've been dusting things under the rug. and don't ask about the details. i don't feel like going into details. and there i go again, dusting it under the rug.

the forgotten

Rented a movie today: the forgotten. About a 1/4 way into it the movie started to get really interesting involving the NSA federal agents and all. It wasn't the best suspense movie I've seen - I've seen better, such as: The Others or Hide and Seek. About halfway through the movie my roommate says he's too tired and goes to bed, as usual, leaving me all by myself to watch it alone in the dark (I hate it when he does this during a horror movie, but then again I guess I could just turn the lights on). It turns out that the movie was just OK at best. But if I were to sum this up in one word, I'd say motherly love. Okay so may two words. The whole movie is about motherly love and how it is one of the strongest human emotions we possess. I know, hard to believe with a movie categorized as suspense. Anyhow, it got me thinking just how this is true. When every person is telling you to forget and let go, just like in the movie, we do the exact opposite - we remember and we hold on.

a day in the mall

It's not like me to go to the mall and just hang out. But today I went to two different shopping malls on the opposite ends of town. Collin Creek is where I started, close to home, where I was searching for a pair of jeans that were on sale. I decided to go to another mall farther away and with five times more traffic - I'm not sure why I made this decision as it was a stupid one. Realizing this I decided to go back to the first mall and which point I purchased the jeans I was looking for that were on sale. As I started my way back I decided to take another route and go to the bottom floor where benches, balconies, and delicate trees loom over the walkway. I liked the feeling, the feeling of atmosphere, a breath of fresh air. And it wasn't crowded with people like with most larger and more popular shopping malls. I ordered a pineapple-strawberry fruit smoothie - I got a large one which is uncharacteristic of me. Then, in a move that is not in my nature, I sat down at a peaceful table-for-two; peaceful yet in the middle of everything, an area where medium traffic is inevitable. But peaceful nonetheless. There I read a book, a book I had previously bought at a local book store earlier that day. I read 3-4 chapters today. I also read my latest magazine issue. And I've narrowed down 4 possible adventure choices down to 2. Joining a two week excavation team in Montana at an ancient Stegosaurus watering hole, or joining a two week excavation crew in the jungles and caves of Belize. Both are affordable but not necessarily cheap. Of course I'll post my decision when I decide.

all for You

So a friend gave me his collection of over 500 praise songs. This one song I really cherish. The following simple string of words really puts things in to perspective. It is by Starfield. Below, the song, not in its entirety.

Nothing compares to, life I have in You, nothing of this world satisfies. So I want to let go, I want to let You know, all that I have to give is Yours . Here I am, as gold to the fire, I will surrender to Your hand. To this place, Lord I have come ready for Your touch.

It's all for You. It's all for You. I'm letting go. I'm letting go.
It's all for You. It's all for You. I'm letting go. I'm letting go.

What is it in me that hangs on for so long? Why do I fight the tears that come? I work so hard to, keep in control when, all that I want is to let go.

It's all for You. It's all for You. I'm letting go. I'm letting go.
It's all for You. It's all for You. I'm letting go. I'm letting go.