should i abandon my blog, too?

a girl in middle school, still wearing her braces and sporting a cool pair of hip and happening reading glasses, proclaims that she wants to get a degree in computer science and teach english, just like me. how cute - how adorably cute.

a child in my kindergarten class cries her heart out when she learns that i'm leaving to go overseas for 10 days on Christmas vacation. i do a snappy good job to persuade her that i would return, and that she shouldn't cry. again, how cute - how adorably cute.

a group of my business students randomly decide to take me to a sauna joint where you're expected to take your clothes off in a locker room with other people, then take a shower, then sit in a sauna, then take a hot bath, and then a shower again....while being with other people of the same sex the whole time. so i'm in the sports utility vehicle with my adult businessmen and businesswomen, and we're on our way to the closest fancy sauna house. but the traffic is terrifically bad enough to convince everybody to turn around and forget about the sauna house. my anxiety level quickly calms down as the existence of God was miraculously confirmed.

the sun is showing, the air warming, and the feeling of slight depression i dont feel much anymore. i believe what is left in me now is the same thing that had been with me this whole damn winter. after all the magnified gloom has disappeared i understand now that it was just a feeling of disappointment. i was disappointed with myself for being such a bad person. i know i'm better than this.

and then the tides brought in a sail

i'm not sure what to do any more. things are different from what they used to be. it used to be that i would wake up and feel refreshed and ever so eager to live out the brand new day. it used to be like that. it used to be fun, living. now, whenever i get a moment of silence i just feel like tears. i don't like waking too much any more. neither do i look forward to going to bed. all i feel like doing is sleeping so i can stay in my dreams. i'm hoping that the coming warmth of spring will breathe life back. warmth will do that to you. trying to pinpoint the source of friction is not as easy as it would seem. maybe i'm just too lazy to even try. or maybe i'm in denial of something i'm too ashamed to admit.

a few days ago on regular, old-fashion network television the movie Cast Away was shown. i didn't see it, i just listend to it from another room afar. every sound and piece of dialogue was still vivid in my memory. i've seen that movie about 5 times since i first watched it at a theatre. i enjoyed that movie, and i still enjoy it to this day.

a little bit of hope was revealed to me when a good friend and her cousin came to sleep at my house. they're from overseas and were touring the Unites States with a Christian choir group called, the Levite Choir. they are an amazing group with amazing talents and gifts. i saw a bit of Christ in them, more so than usual in a man or woman. i felt their humbleness and gentleness. their freely-given kindness and sincerety and meagerness. such good qualities i hardly see or notice anymore. maybe i can't anymore because i'm so caloused. or maybe i never could because i'm not sensitive enough. or maybe such qualities are just rare these days.

needless to say, it would be so very easy to take the path of less resistence. i'm really tired right now from all the tug of war. i'm caught between two very massive worlds. career paths, respectability indices, family responsibilities, all the anguish that comes with living. life was never meant to be this way. damn that adam, and damn that eve, for eating that fruit. damn it.

access granted mister.

i was issued an id badge that doubled as a means of accessing security gates. the first day of using the card i pulled out my notes that has my access code that i have to punch in after i scan my badge.

i thought i was all cool scanning my badge. i entered my access code and got a green light granting me access. i confidentally walk through and the alarm goes off. i ignored the alarm though cuz i was still playing it cool, trying not to panic. turns out that i did every correctly, except that i walked through the wrong side of the entrance. anybody who saw me instantly knew that i was a newbie. the receptionist lady quickly told me how to do it after that, right then and there.

next day, for some reason or another, the alarm goes off again. but nobody was around, not even the receptionist at the front desk. i continue to walk gingerly through the hallway, and sure enough the first person i see is the receptionist lady who happens to have no idea what just happened. she smiles and says, "good morning." i gave her a respectable smile and a nod.

the following day wasn't any better. i was walking fast cuz i was sorta running late. i stopped at the gate to scan my badge, but my legs went too far in due to my body's inertia. the alarm went off again. yet still i nonchalantly punched in my access code while the alarm was ringing which did absolutely nothing to remedy the noise and flashing red light. the same receptionist lady gives me this look of "huh, what are you doing, you clutz!?" the lady looks at me and after about 6 seconds she tells me, "it's time for coffee." she's kinda weird i think.

limbo.

i just dont get it. am i in limbo? and whatever does that mean? heck, i'll just say the word because it sounds wickedly neat. limbo. i should start setting that mindset that everything is a life lesson. because i would like to believe that everything is.

to be continued...

eww, gross!

The world looks mighty good to me
'cause Tootsie Rolls are all I see.

Whatever it is I think I see
becomes a Tootsie Roll to me.

Tootsie Roll how I love your chocolatey chew,
Tootsie Roll I think I'm in love with you.

Whatever it is I think I see
becomes a Tootsie Roll to me.


i'm really not so fond of tootsie rolls. really, i'm not.

middle east nuclear holy war crisis

i understand that wars, natural disasters, and famines must come to pass. i also keep reading in various sources that the future, notably prophecies that have yet to occur, is not exactly set in stone. in others, people have an active influence on prophecy, and that prophetic visions are mere likelihoods. this imminent things going on right now in the middle east is nonetheless disturbing. if the U.S. strikes Iran's nuclear sites then we can just kiss peace good bye, cuz we've just invited ourselves into a damn holy war. i really have a bad feeling about this.

thursday's productivity

to live infamously, precariously, and bodaciously. that is the key to the universe, single-dimensionally speaking, of course. brushing up on some rusted hinges on inner workings. ouch my shoulder hurts. twas a vicious cycle. i mean a vicious day. i mean a victim of a vicious day, me. suffocated in a big bag, my bag, a bag of wood and bricks. oh my God the end is coming near. Israel oh israel, open your beautiful eyes. Iran oh iran, close your fierce hand. and cut your nasty fingernails. and your toenails. dietary supplemental nirvana, oh yes, indeed. fourteen years ago i was almost eaten by king kong with banana breath. got into a big earthquake too. but i survived, can you believe? i dont care. cuz im the fastest typer in the west. i mean im the fastest typer in the south. never ate snails, nope, never will. im too smart for that. unless i can touch my ears with my tongue, i wont even try it. television used to be the bomb. now everything on it has bombed or is bombing. muppet babies, er babies of muppets, er baby muppets, them were bombs too. no, make that nuclear bombs. let my people go, you bastards. otherwise ill blow a bubble from gum tainted with aspartame. i had three cups of coffee de stars. i mean i spent three bucks for coffee. anyway do liberate yourself and pick your nose. do it infront of the president of your local library. or feed it to a hamster. sailing is for pirates not for geeks. yuppy are them magnolias. yummy are them raisin cookies. yucky are them public toilets. and yolky are them egg yolks. break my chains oh you colossals of fantastics. you heaps of the earth which i love your earthy smell, very much like roasted coffee beans from Kenya. i love you. oh yes i do.

interviews and going overseas, again.

so today was a full one mixed with interviews, running errands, making errands, driving here, driving there, making phone calls, receiving phone calls, yada yada yada. i didn't realize that i hadn't eaten. and it got so bad that i started getting really hot (this happens to when my body tries to tell me that i'm starving). so it seems like i prematurely accepted an offer. but i think it's the right choice for now.

things with the overseas plan, teaching folks how to read, write, and converse using the English language, looks to be more likely now. i really can't wait to go, again, and i'm so excited.

making decisions like these, decisions that can affect the course of your life, can be tough to make. but lately choices like these are so simple to make. i guess you can call me a free man, no longer a salve. chains have been broken, and i'm no longer bound by what-if's, at least not now, least not anymore.

not another funeral

i've 3 friends via my parents being good friends with their parents.
today was their father's funeral. he passed away less than 48 hours ago from diabetes.

people i know go to weddings, but seems like i go to funerals.

intensity rising.

no, im not talking about the weather, although it feels immensily wonderful, the sun breathing down its warmth and all.

no, what i'm talking about is my life in dallas. no, my life, period. i'm going through the normal process of sifting thru job openings and the usual interviews. but im not real clear where im going.

in addition, my church closed its doors, and is scheduled to launch a "preview service" in less than 4 weeks (february 26th). this is crazy. but i guess there really is no other way if we are to keep moving with the changing world we live in. it is true. if you slack off, even for a moment's breath, you are already behind.

so why all the rising intensity business? to put it simply, i don't know where im at with all this change and the direction of the remnants of my former church. i really don't know what to think of "3rd culture." i don't know what to think of church service involving highly expensive on-stage and off-stage equipment. and where does God want me in all this? where and how does He like me to be?

i gotta keep praying about this in addition to everything else concerning my life. i've been slacking in this for much more than a moment's breath these days. ciao.

recycled coffee beans

i went to starbucks today to get a bag of Ethiopian coffee beans for my mother. as i was walking out i saw a big pale of over-sized starbucks bags. these free bags are grounded coffee beans (used). why would somebody take one of these bags of used coffee beans you say? why for compost of course. if you're a gardener or just pretend to be, take a bag of starbucks' used grounded coffee beans. i took two.