feelings of blankness

all in one month, my lease to my apartments comes to a close, my career in the games industry comes to an end, and the church i attend closes its doors. this is insane, just bloody insane!

my head is empty with feelings of blankness...except for this one trace of thought:
"What's the name of that lotion?"

my hands and arms smell of something wonderful and soothing. it might be lavender. this makes me wonder why i havent been to Bath & Body Works in such a while.
i need to make a point to shop there again.

life's adventure

What happens when you put 3 red, ripe strawberries, 4 plump blueberries, and 1 cup of pure apple-juice into a blender and steadily blend for 1 minute?

okay, that was a very very bad analogy - but a blended drink is kinda how i feel right now. i mean, there's gotta be a clear answer to why i'm here, in dallas, in the united states. or maybe im not suppose to be here. i guess the notion of not having a driving purpose of adding to my career like most people is what's getting me all psyched out. not that im psycho; although some people might think i am. but i'd like to believe and trust that where i go is where God leads me. otherwise i seriously doubt i could muster up any respectible amount of motivation.

someone i respect once told me that the adventures i seek in life are not the only adventures that God has to offer. the greater and more fulfilling adventure is going through life itself.

i held on to those words ever since.

Psalm 37:3-7.

a new vision

i consider this new computer i ordered as an investment. it is going to be the physical tool for my new career with my still-theoretical new company that is tentatively called Media Synthesis Production Cow Enterprises, Inc. it is my first AMD processor PC. but i do have these reservations, because somehow i know that i'd be happier being a waiter or a chef instead.

anyway, i came up with a list of alernative names:

Media Cow
Massive Cow
Massive Media Cow
Massive Cow Media
Stunning Cow
Stunning Cow Concepts
Stunning Cow Productions
Stunning Cow Creations
Stunning Creations
Media Creations
Creative Cows

...as you can see, im really stuck on cow.

my last 3 fortunes.

I found my last 3 fortunes from my last 3 fortune cookies to be noteworthy enough to pin them up on my wall. But upon reading the 3rd fortune, which i opened today for lunch, i found it too accurate to not react to it.

My reaction: Laughter

the three fortunes

what next?

finally, it is done. my life as a professional electronic game developer has come to an end.

now....bring on that horizon.

Messiah

believe in me and i will save you from yourself.
i am the avatar, the only begotten son of god.
i am called your dear leader, your savior.
i am your fuhrer.
let me take your burden, let me show you the way.
let me lead you to the new age,
the thousand year reich,
nirvana.

i will appear dressed and masked according to your hopes, fears, visions, and divine expectations.
to those who follow me,
i am the second coming of christ, the maitreya, the krishna.
i am your final prophet.
tho those who disbelieve in me,
i am the antichrist,
the false prophet.

few recognize me when i walk the earth.
they expect the messiahs of the past to return in their future.
they do not clear the dust of their expectations off their ancient prophecies to see me as i am.
they expect me to strengthen their traditions,
but i always come as a destroyer of their past.
i come to preach a new law, a new dispensation,
a new world order.
i am the apocalypse, the holocaust, the end of history.

i am your messiah.
born of many virgins from many lands and historical times.
i am foretold inthe bible, the gita, the torah.
i lurk in the book of revelation and hide in the little red book of mao.
i have been many in the past, and your prophecies from around the world depict me returning by the dozens in the near future.
i am coming back.
in your dreams, in your nightmares,
in your tomorrows.

- Messiahs

time to narrow it down.

i can say that my life has been spent trying to be neutral with everybody. neutral as in not making enemies and not making best friends. although i have had atleast 2 best friends, i can also say that those days are gone.

i think it is about time that i begin to invest heavier into my friends. no more neutrality. no more mere acquaintances. i want to make it a priority to make friends that are deeper in meaning and stronger in relationship than i've ever known or had before.

what's wrong with me?

if I knew that something was impossible, would it be foolish to believe it is possible?

call it denial, call it a fantasy, call it whatever you wish...but i'd rather wait forever and believe the impossible than give up.

i can not be content to merely survive.

recovering from the cold

You guide me through the dark

You calm my fearful heart
I will rest in you
You give me perfect peace
Fulfill my deepest need
I will rest in you

God, shining like the sun
Let Your kingdom come
I want to be with you
In Your presence
I'm here to give You praise
You take my breath away
Now I'm here with You
In Your presence

Your kindness draws me in
Now I'm with You once again
I will rest in You
My God who reigns on high
To You alone I cry
I will rest in You

God, shining like the sun
Let Your kingdom come
I want to be with you
In Your presence
I'm here to give You praise
You take my breath away
Now I'm here with You
In Your presence

~ Phil Wickham

committing, slowly.

so now i'm committed, atleast more so than before.
after spending incredible moments with my large circle of famiy, i 've been reminded of what is important in this world for us human beings.

currently at the edge of pressing forward on moving my body out of this land in which i grew up in, this place called Dallas, this place everybody refers to as the Lone Star State and brags about its ranking as the second largest in the nation. my first chance i let it pass, and it was a big chance too. but i eagerly let that one go. the second time around, i will grab hold a little tighter.

i don't think i'm cut out for life in on the west coast. California might prove to be too much for me. most likely it will be too much for me. but i figure i give it a shot. not sure where God would like me to be.... and not sure how all this is going to unfold... but i guess it's all part of the adventure.

8:43pm

can't remember when, but i've been since drinking at least a mug of coffee every morning.
even on weekends i feel like going to a local coffee shop and get my fix.
and i try to convince myself that i'm not addicted, no i'm not, i can't be.
but in that exact same pattern of thought i convince myself that i am, because i am addicted.
at the office i honestly believe that i am the best coffee maker.
nobody makes coffee like i do.

even though i'm here late in the office, not doing any work really, i feel these waves of joy,
like a seizure stimulating my brain from left to right, and right to left.
the strange and funny thing is that i can't figure out why i'm getting this positive turbulance.
i'd like to believe that certain burdens have been lifted. i can certainly hope can't i?
strange that i feel this way because there be 1,000 things i wish to change about myself.
if i could go in for an "upgrade" i swear - cross my heart and hope to die - i'd be a better person.

nah. no burdens have been lifted. no revelations. no one thing is making me feel this.
rather i think it's the deafening silence in the office.
the darkness, the stillness, the quietness.
i'm alone here, and it's giving me a chance to subconsciously sift through some thoughts and allow me to reorganize and reprioritize what's relevant to me.

now, i believe, it is time to go home.
5:58pm

thank God my mom insisted i get a bed.

it's not really a bed. it's a folding bed. really cool stuff!

the reason why im so thankful for a bed is because they just won't die! them roaches just keep coming! i sprayed 2 tiny roaches and like 3 the size of your pinky toe nail. this Raid spray works like a charm too. roaches die almost instantly. but there was this one roach on the floor. it was so big i actually didnt see it. i mean that's how big it was, maybe about the size of one of your big toe nails. and it was sitting on top of this sheet of paper.

i swear to God, the worst sound in the world is the scratching noise that a giant bug (like a roach) makes when it walks on a sheet of paper. i think it just might be worse than a cat that's crying (like when it's in heat). i came home late today wanting to go straight to bed. but i can't...not after killing 5 roaches. besides, the place stinks like Raid. to say the least, i am looking forward to moving in with my parents again, for a while.

defeat

Friday afternoon, January 6th, 2006.

The cancer was too much for her. Two years living with cancer after coming out of a coma is nothing less than success. Although defeated, she did not surrender. She fought till the end.

Now she lay, free from the struggle, the exhaustion, and the pains, waiting her burial at the bright-green mountain-hill valleys of sunny, southern California.

My aunt passed away at the ripe young age of 50. She left behind a husband and three beautiful kids, the youngest in highschool.

Mexico.

i'm all set. around early july is when im off to mexico. will be arriving in california, which my uncle will pay for and offer me the more expensive airfare to our neighbor, mexico. this is his way of offering an incentive for me to go in the first place.

destination is cancun. then we're off to a remote location by road. i should brush up on my scuba skills, just in case.

speaking of scuba, the weather is slowly starting to warm up again. i cant wait for the temperature to rise to 100+ again. i love the warm, hot sun. this is definitely one of the most comfortable times to scuab dive too, when the water is nice and warm.

side note: my church is closing its doors on january 29th, 2006.

new years roommate pickup airport midnight

the look of awareness


the look of paranoia


the look of exhaustion