courage.

Dr. Peck and Malachi Martin talked about various demons grabbing hold on the very souls of certain people. The longer the time of grasp, the stronger that grasp. And the stronger that grasp, the more connected the demon is with the human host. The total controlling of the host Dr. Peck and Malachi Martin calls perfect possession. It is as if the demonic spirit and the human spirit were married and thus in love. the two are inseparable.

Demons, at least exorcised demons, seem to have names that reflect their character. Demons bring about a supernatural cause for many maladies such as hate & lust, depression, confusion, and betrayal just to name a few.

i wonder if there is a demon for the lacking of courage, or simply cowardice. i think for some this has got to be their source where all their troubles and pains come from. of course cowardice doesn't have to be a demonic influence for we humans are quite frequently shy. despite the demons, we are the ultimate decision-maker for the demonic does not have that kind of power. but maybe for some courage simply doesn't show up no matter how hard, tough, persistent, thoughtful, or meaningful the human spirit is. i wonder if im a host.

lack of courage is crippling. it is enough to cause a huge chain reaction. the chain reaction affects many or all aspects of the human life. lacking in courage affects your outlook on life, it affects your mood, your grades, your friends, family, health, jobs, investments, relationships with people, and your relationship with God.

oh god im thinking too much again. i wonder if i have a demon of thinking-too-much or a demon of shifting-and-projecting-the-blame. no no no... j/k.

stages of faith, pomo observations, & crises

According to James Fowler there are 6 stages to faith development. however, according to Dr. Scott Peck, it can be reduced to 4. these stages are as follows:

1) chaotic antisocial
2) formal institutional
3) skeptic individual
4) mystical communal

As Dr. Peck puts it, "You have to go through a phase of doubting. One of the great sins of the Christian church is the discouragement of doubting. There's a limit to doubting. If you become really good at stage-three doubting, you begin to doubt your own doubts. And that's when you begin to move to stage four."

(the following is a separate thread of thought)
I am currently wrestling with this whole notion of the emerging postmodern era. I think as Christians or followers of Christ, or however you want to say it, this term, postmodern, is an extremely tough mold to fit into. I think we're trying hard, perhaps a little too hard, to fit into this mold. I think this is partially so because of the attraction to these new and emerging entities that everybody seems to be banking on as being the next big movement in the eyes of humanity. It definitely sounds good from the outside - being relevant to the current and coming generations while moving with the winds of change so we can make Christ's church more, uh, relevant?... How noble. How fantastic. And how idyllic. So I dont buy it - we've got the wrong terminology; after all semantics is everything. We need be extreme with our intentions because evil moves along the same lines, it too follows the winds of change and rides the same tides of contemporary fashions, fads, and movements. And this evil, like the way it has always been, is always very cunning and dangerously appealing.

(the following is a separate thread of thought)
Crises are points where we're faced with a tough decision, a decision whose outcome will determine how our lives go thereafter, for better or for ill. - Glimpes of the Devil

Using the stencil above i'd say it's fair to say im at a crisis. my next 5 years is nothing like i planned, nothing like i wanted. instead it seems the God of heaven has something else in plan. i can't say what is going to happen, but i can say that im filled with emphatic butterflies merely thinking of it. Thank you oh God of mysteries, my Alpha, my Omega.

Confession is the doorway to forgiveness.

i've been spending more of my time at my local library and half-price book stores as of late. i guess it's because i have the time to do so, but i think it's more because i have this hunger and thirst for God, wisdom, trust, and love. so i've learned that i fall short of so many things. this learning about myself still goes on today. sad but true. i read one chapter in one book that talked about depression, just because i wanted to be certain if i had depression or not. it turns out that i'm not clinically depressed. there was this other book i read about love which did the most help by shedding much light on relationships and about myself, and how if i don't love myself then how it's impossible to love somebody else. but to be honest this is something i already knew. i knew, long before i read it, that i am not comfortable with myself - i'm pretty self-conscientous about everything. but it did tremendous help to flesh out the facts that i'm simply not ready for a relationship. sad to say it, but i feel like i'm living in the movie forty year old virgin, not that i've seen it. another book is Confession. think about it. repeat it over and over. it has such a wonderful tone, doesn't it? so i checked this book out along with another book Glimpses of the Devil, which is a psychiatrist's personal accounts of possession, exorcism, and redemption.

a motivation to catch a dream

this past week i spent over 10 voluntary hours helping refugee students with computer related stuff, like addressing problems and giving lessons. just yesterday i spent the whole day with a student in his first year of highschool. he's only 16 years old. he has atleast 5 brothers and sisters. his father is the only working parent, therefore the only source of family income. not too long ago his mother went to the hospital, so now they're stuck with a medical bill that is just killing them with montly interest accumulations. so this kid, this 16 year old kid, has these big dreams. i mean big, admirable dreams. he wants to get out of his ESL class because everybody else there fools around in class creating a pointless environment. he consistently asks me about earnings figures for various career paths and the sources of financial support to help fund his college years. he thinks he wants to be an engineer or a doctor, IF he doesn't become a backetball player in which case he'd make millions. and he wants all this for a very good reason. he knows how much his father makes, which is not a whole lot. but he also knows that compared to other jobs that it's pretty good pay. this kid, this honest and hard-working kid, is dying to help his family. getting a driver's license would be one thing that could greatly help. so he tells me it's about $200 to get one from a driving school. trouble is he needs $200. everything costs money. so this kid is determined to get a summer job.

i realized how tough it is for him. he doesn't have a fluent grasp of the english language. he's in highschool and has all these things he wants to do, like build webpages, learn about computers, help his parents, and make a living. i didn't realize just how spoiled i was. i didn't get how easy i've had it. to be able to have everything paid for is such a sheltering way to live. the least i could do for him was offer everything that had been freely available to me. so we drove around the neighborhood looking and applying for summer jobs. and he's not picky either. his honesty shows from his willingness to do anything from packing boxes, flipping burgers, and washing dishes. of all individuals i know, whether refugee or not, this kid has got it. although i have every belief that he'll succeed, i still cross my fingers and hope and pray that he'll make it.

what do you fear?

I know this saying is true, for a picture can truly express and provoke so many a word and a thought. Naturally our logical guess would be that a moving picture says a thousand times a thousand words. Maybe truth. Maybe not.

But I think illogically that silence speaks infinitely more, like the vast void of space between distant galaxies. I know that I must learn to live with the absense. And I have a great fear right now within me. It is this deep unforgiving silence, silence that is intentional just for me, that is what keeps me aware of my sins.

I am aware, ever since a friend instructed, that I need to accept rejection. But it's not easy. I don't think it ever will.

I have to live like this in what seems like a long and vast journey from galaxy to galaxy with no one to talk to me but this familiar tone of silence. If this is not fear then what is?

roadmap to parsippany?

possibility of going to New Jersey increases as the days go by. parsippany, i've been told, is a rural area about 1 mile from New York. it'll be interesting to see that part of the country for the first. nothing is set in cement yet as i've still things to do. 3 months of higher education at a premium. gotta love it.

video: a secret garden

we're specks of dust in this universe. yet what's more mind-boggling than that is that the creator of all of it bothers to care and even love me.

i discovered a song which i'm not sure who composed it. when i listened to it for the first time i happened to be reading the lyrics of another song. ever since, i associate the two together. otherwise neither song is satisfactory, to me. the author of the lyrics is Petter Skavlan. so i put the two together myself. i did this because i find this song to reflect how i feel most of the time, for the most part.

how can any thing be so gloomy yet so pretty? how can any thing be so beautiful yet strangely and utterly depressing?

gallery.

decided to use the gallery feature, a feature i've always had but was too lazy to use.

Click here for the gallery

In California one of my cousin's friend was viewing videos on YouTube. she was looking for korean videos actually, but she's only like 15 years old. that's when i realized this YouTube thing is bigger than I thought. so i registered for it too.

My YouTube