Confession is the doorway to forgiveness.

i've been spending more of my time at my local library and half-price book stores as of late. i guess it's because i have the time to do so, but i think it's more because i have this hunger and thirst for God, wisdom, trust, and love. so i've learned that i fall short of so many things. this learning about myself still goes on today. sad but true. i read one chapter in one book that talked about depression, just because i wanted to be certain if i had depression or not. it turns out that i'm not clinically depressed. there was this other book i read about love which did the most help by shedding much light on relationships and about myself, and how if i don't love myself then how it's impossible to love somebody else. but to be honest this is something i already knew. i knew, long before i read it, that i am not comfortable with myself - i'm pretty self-conscientous about everything. but it did tremendous help to flesh out the facts that i'm simply not ready for a relationship. sad to say it, but i feel like i'm living in the movie forty year old virgin, not that i've seen it. another book is Confession. think about it. repeat it over and over. it has such a wonderful tone, doesn't it? so i checked this book out along with another book Glimpses of the Devil, which is a psychiatrist's personal accounts of possession, exorcism, and redemption.

a motivation to catch a dream

this past week i spent over 10 voluntary hours helping refugee students with computer related stuff, like addressing problems and giving lessons. just yesterday i spent the whole day with a student in his first year of highschool. he's only 16 years old. he has atleast 5 brothers and sisters. his father is the only working parent, therefore the only source of family income. not too long ago his mother went to the hospital, so now they're stuck with a medical bill that is just killing them with montly interest accumulations. so this kid, this 16 year old kid, has these big dreams. i mean big, admirable dreams. he wants to get out of his ESL class because everybody else there fools around in class creating a pointless environment. he consistently asks me about earnings figures for various career paths and the sources of financial support to help fund his college years. he thinks he wants to be an engineer or a doctor, IF he doesn't become a backetball player in which case he'd make millions. and he wants all this for a very good reason. he knows how much his father makes, which is not a whole lot. but he also knows that compared to other jobs that it's pretty good pay. this kid, this honest and hard-working kid, is dying to help his family. getting a driver's license would be one thing that could greatly help. so he tells me it's about $200 to get one from a driving school. trouble is he needs $200. everything costs money. so this kid is determined to get a summer job.

i realized how tough it is for him. he doesn't have a fluent grasp of the english language. he's in highschool and has all these things he wants to do, like build webpages, learn about computers, help his parents, and make a living. i didn't realize just how spoiled i was. i didn't get how easy i've had it. to be able to have everything paid for is such a sheltering way to live. the least i could do for him was offer everything that had been freely available to me. so we drove around the neighborhood looking and applying for summer jobs. and he's not picky either. his honesty shows from his willingness to do anything from packing boxes, flipping burgers, and washing dishes. of all individuals i know, whether refugee or not, this kid has got it. although i have every belief that he'll succeed, i still cross my fingers and hope and pray that he'll make it.

what do you fear?

I know this saying is true, for a picture can truly express and provoke so many a word and a thought. Naturally our logical guess would be that a moving picture says a thousand times a thousand words. Maybe truth. Maybe not.

But I think illogically that silence speaks infinitely more, like the vast void of space between distant galaxies. I know that I must learn to live with the absense. And I have a great fear right now within me. It is this deep unforgiving silence, silence that is intentional just for me, that is what keeps me aware of my sins.

I am aware, ever since a friend instructed, that I need to accept rejection. But it's not easy. I don't think it ever will.

I have to live like this in what seems like a long and vast journey from galaxy to galaxy with no one to talk to me but this familiar tone of silence. If this is not fear then what is?