not just words.

I was never a man of much words. Exchange a few with
me and it becomes painfully obvious, I'm not a man
gifted with an eloquent voice. And doubtful I ever be.
But not long ago, like fairly recently, a little birdy chirped and told
me that i don't have to be. He said that there are
other things to worry about, greater things, far more
significant things.

Nothing satisfies me anymore. All my childhood dreams
are gone, and so are my career dreams, they're all
gone. So what does that leave me with? Well, it's
actually quite obvious, very quite. Im not exactly
sure how or what caused this, although I have a theory
that I believe to be sound, the usual fears that held
me back are being released (present tense), and my
inhibitions are lessened by a substantial margin.

The fear of losing my job, the ever-so-common fear of
losing the career momentum to progress in the
workforce, the great imposing fear of losing the
respectability of relatives who prides in the
abundance of cash and financial credits, the conscientious
fear of literally getting too dirty, the unreasonable
fear of passing through a village and never touching
another soul, the universal fear of sensing a
tremendous loss, the childish fear of the unknown....

This list, to anyone's imagination, goes on and on.
Yet amazingly all this can be encapsulated (and I do
believe this) into one great ball of mesh, and then
explained by a single, elegant, unifying reason. This
reason explains why the huge list exists in the first
place. It explains why they can merge and stick
together so very well. And it explains why having
nothing to do with it is essentially equivalent to
being set free from a solitarily confined prison.

It goes against all of my animal instincts. Deliberately I must tell myself to let my creator take the driver's seat, and I the passenger seat. Deliberate I must be, else I be in control again. And perhaps someday, maybe, just maybe, I will wake up one morning and by His Grace and His Grace alone, I will have finally learned to simply let go and permanently hand over my keys and never worry about driving again. And with the deepest part of me I pray that that morning is here.