This girl, this lady, woman, this angel. Her name, Alyssa. Her hair, a dark brown silk. Her smile, incredibly contagious. And her eyes, her best feature, like two fluttering butterflies.
With our eyes locked and a mutual smile exchanged, my heart became captivated; my soul constantly haunted by her.
Strangely I feel great joy for her even though she is taken. Taken by some incredibly lucky man. No man should be so lucky, so endowed, to have such a beautiful creature to hold in his arms.
Here's to what might've been, what should've been, and what never will be. Here's to the most beautiful, inside and out, Native American Scottish woman. The most incredible girl on earth.
Have a good life.
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
2009 - the year i woke up.
In March 2009 i learned, realized, that im selfish and loveless. Im so incredibly self-centered without a care in the world for friend or family. Looking back thru all the years proves it. There is no doubt that im the worst human being alive.
So now i suffer the great pain that is lovelessness - the lack of love. This absense had not been known before. But for a moment i had the grace of knowing this beautiful thing. And now that beauty is gone, and so now I suffer the loss. It left a giant chasm, a gian crater of emptiness. So now my life is not in balance. I am now aware. And it hurts. It hurts like hell.
So now i suffer the great pain that is lovelessness - the lack of love. This absense had not been known before. But for a moment i had the grace of knowing this beautiful thing. And now that beauty is gone, and so now I suffer the loss. It left a giant chasm, a gian crater of emptiness. So now my life is not in balance. I am now aware. And it hurts. It hurts like hell.
Saturday, February 28, 2009
Why Can't I Open Up?
What's wrong with me? I mean seriously, what the hell is wrong with me!? I don't know a good thing when I see it. A bright, funny, and pretty girl basically serves herself to me on a silver plate and yet I don't take it. What the FREAK is wrong with me? Why was I so reluctant? Why was I so cautious, so timid, ... so stupid?
I'm tired of learning from my mistakes. I'm tired of feeling my heart squeezed so tight that tears come out of my eyes. Even as I write this now I feel the rolling waves of pain, the aftermath of a severed connection with another body and soul. But the real burden is not because of MY loss. No, the real burden is knowing that the other person is, just like me, crying from the inside out.
In a way it's all childish. We should all just stop this at once and begin basking in the glow of knowing that two people love each other. But I understand that this is not a perfect world. We tend to complicate things. Pride and selfishness gets in the way. Fears and anxieties kick in. Protocols and expectations interfere. Essentially, we play games.
Heaven forbid this be my destiny - a life of solitude. Partnerless, loveless solitude.
I'm tired of learning from my mistakes. I'm tired of feeling my heart squeezed so tight that tears come out of my eyes. Even as I write this now I feel the rolling waves of pain, the aftermath of a severed connection with another body and soul. But the real burden is not because of MY loss. No, the real burden is knowing that the other person is, just like me, crying from the inside out.
In a way it's all childish. We should all just stop this at once and begin basking in the glow of knowing that two people love each other. But I understand that this is not a perfect world. We tend to complicate things. Pride and selfishness gets in the way. Fears and anxieties kick in. Protocols and expectations interfere. Essentially, we play games.
Heaven forbid this be my destiny - a life of solitude. Partnerless, loveless solitude.
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