Late for a Wedding Day

I was outside walking around alongside a dusty freeway. I was late for something. I was meeting with an old friend for breakfast. He had ordered already, but he had apparently left the restaurant thinking i would not show up. Fortunately at the last minute i arrived, and so he sat back down and started on his breakfast. My attention was on the locks and bagels (Mmmmm... smoked salmon). Inconsequentially, I noticed a long line for the men's restroom.

 

Now for some reason, on the day of my wedding, i was out playing golf until 6:30 pm. When i realized this i found my mom telling me to hurry up. I knew my parents were upset. Whats more, i knew my fiance was very upset. I got in the family Mustang and headed home, a house which i grew up in (per usual). Running even more late, i tried to be quick and efficient as possible. But i couldnt find a t shirt, so i settled for any shirt, a thin wife-beater. I found my white dress shirt, but when i put it on i realized how cheap it looked, super thin and translucent. Despite the time I tried on other shirts with no success. Eventually i found the "goto" white dress shirt, but it eventually turned burgundy on me. I told myself its just my imagination, and for a second it appeared to be white again in the reflection of the mirror. But then it turns back to burgundy. But for some reason i couldnt pay much attention to it. I had convinced myself, without much effort, that a burgundy shirt for a wedding would not be the end of me, because I was still running late, and i didnt even know how to get to the church for my own wedding, which was scheduled to start in 15 minutes. I decided i spent too much time worrying about the shirt. I still needed to wear the tie. I quickly learned that i forgot how to tie a tie. I asked my dad, and he showed me how to fold the shirt, super tightly, into a trunk of a tree of all things. I finally use the ipad to lookup how-to videos on youtube.

 

It was nothing short of great patience, an ultimate display of restraint under the most intense frustration. When i woke up from this dream my pulse was high and a sense of urgency enters me. Theres still so much to do.

The New Chapter

Life, and time, is moving much too expediently. The calendar revolves ever too swiftly these days. Though life is much more than just complaints, what with a very nice paying job at Microsoft doing what i fairly enjoy and a new and exciting love relationship, i doubt i could ask for much more.

And now suddenly i am at a crossroads.

In a few months, this engagement, this beautiful woman with all of her mysteries, her talents, her smiles, laughters, and her attitudes, painful memories, and flaws... Her all, and all of my flaws, my all, will be as one. Could this be happening? Am i dreaming? It is still so very surreal.

Every once in a while i am reminded that i am still deeply entrenched in pride, in sin. Today i felt my heart skip a few beats as if its begging to gasp for air. It's funny how a few words, or the lack of them, could cause such a haunting pain.

And to think that if i had heard those words repeated to me as i said the same, my heart would've found a simple but comforting joy. Or perhaps it wouldve felt nothing and taken the whole situation for granted. It would take eons to satisfy the wonder as the mind runs through the permutations of outcomes. Instead, i did not hear a reply. It is highly likely that i deserved this torture somehow, though i can hardly imagine what.

But all it would've taken to satisfy this little, hollow heart to no end is just but four words,

"I love you too."

Best friends & Yet Another lost relationship

Whats more sad, having no best friend, or having best friends who dont even know they're your best friend? My friends live north of me by probably a good 20+ miles. They have cool, well-behaved kids, kids that any parents would want. Theyre a couple of model children if you ask me. They really are.

~~~

A few days ago i felt my heart break, again. It wasn't a shattering of sorts, but rather more like a lump of clay that fell on a hard, wooden floor with a solid "thump". How foolish i was to think that she could like me. Yes, it was like a thump of solid earthen mass, perhaps because i subconsciously knew she wasnt really all that into me. It hurts alot though, really painful gaping hole in the heart and soul, because i felt really convinced and very good about her. I was so attracted to her, so much more than just the physical.

What makes this whole thing so much more painful is that just the day before the fateful day, we were holding hands, holding each other, smiling, laughing, cracking wise jokes and sarcastic comments, and even a few nice spontaneous kisses. And we even spent a good 90 minutes in a botanical garden, like 2 love birds. And somehow, like something out of a crazy, unbelievable plot in a soap opera, her attitude changes the very next day. She's cold and distant. And im left feeling like the Incredible Amazing Foolish Man.

Every now and then, i think of her. Every now and then, i can feel the void she left in my heart, in my life.